My safe place is my friend who understands me so completely that I can tell her everything. She's a little busy all the time but I text her my deepest darkest secrets and i confess difficult desires or wishes to her. What I cannot ever face elsewhere, I can face with her listening with patience and wisdom.
I tell her about joy that happens in my life however big or small, little snapshots of heaven in a world that I find largely hellish. I've been unhappy in life for awhile, not that I was ever particularly attached in the first place. Often times I have felt that I was looking for an excuse to leave this world and become nothing more than stardust.
Writing is my true joy in life, composing, and conveying all my emotion, passion, ideas, and descriptions. Whether I blog or text, or simply write it all down, when I write, there is a piece of my soul within.
But once again someone has violated this sacred space. No one has a right to know what is within my heart or mind without my consent just as no one has the right to have knowledge of my body without similar consent. Make any excuse under the sun and nothing makes the trespassing upon my special safe place right. No matter how bad I have been or how I have wronged another person, no one deserves to feel intruded upon.
My memories, all my precious private treasures, these happy places to which I retreat, especially in moments of sadness or loneliness, have all been seen by unworthy eyes and judged, weighed, interpreted, and even shared along with private anecdotes, musings, sarcastic, tension-laden humor, and passionate confessions. I have been laid bare! And my sanctuary has been sacked.
People like that don't understand context or nuances, subtleties, relationships, or the notion that words can be a haven all unto themselves. They take what they want, grave robbers on hallowed ground, and disperse the spoils without a care to who it hurts.
I am cut off from the person who violated me. No matter how good things had been getting, I will never forgive her simply because she shared it with someone else (however inadvertently) that I have strong feelings for. In doing so, she helped sever the connection I had forged through great pain with this other person. Finally, she has cut me off from my confidant. The person i trust can no longer be absolutely sure that our communication is secure and therefore cannot be brutally candid. Same goes for me.
Life is hell right now. I wish I could just open my veins and let all my pain run out in bloody rivers. Losing friends, cut off from everyone I trusted so deeply, I feel as though the world is rejecting me. I wish I could reject it in return. It is far too cruel and as I am, I am filled with nothing but loneliness, anger, regret, and fear.
