Fangs and Poison

Akachan,

At one point I really believed that you cared about me... and part of me, the angelic part of me, wants to believe more than anything that you TRULY do... but I've been learning a lot in the last few months and it leads me to believe that you don't.

You don't listen to anything that I say and even when I write it, you don't bother to extrapolate, interpret, analyze, or ask about it so you just go off on your own assumptions. You think that I go off before asking for clarification, but there you go, always throwing things at me, and acting like I'm the bad guy for giving you my heart and feeling totally used and broken whenever your eyes see something else.

No, it was stupid, to be sure, but I invested everything I had to give into you because I wanted to show you that I would love you through anything, and when I thought I didn't have enough, I cut out other things to make more for you... My heart is closed to you now, though, because I see your ignorance and I see your pain, and it's not something that I can fix so I'm not going to try anymore. You say you believe in Heaven? Then go and ask. My mistake was trying to do what I wasn't meant to in the first place.

It's not me who's jealous, I realize. It's you. I let myself be poisoned by all of your lies, all these times when you said you cared about me, when you said I could talk to you about anything, when you said that I mattered... but you turned away from me the instant something else came around and caught your fancy, and yet you kept me hooked until I was raw and bloody inside, all the while, accusing me of straying when it wasn't your place to question. No it's not your fault. It's mine, for not realizing that it was YOU who can't look past our past.

You accuse me of being with more than one person in a short time. How little you know. Your jealousy and insecurity makes you question who I am. You think it's bullshit because you've NEVER experienced what I have... real friends who LOVE me and who aren't afraid to tell me that they do... who, even in experiencing real feelings for me, are willing to push those feelings aside in order to do the best good for ME, and want me to do the same for them, even when it drives us crazy.

I would give you anything. You've been bouncing back and forth among three people and yet you dare to question me... and yet, I'd still give you all the support in the world if I can muster it. Yes it's hard because of what we've been through together, but YOUR happiness means more than MY selfishness, and even if I have to love people I want to HATE, I'll do it with a smile because I would rather tear my heart out than let it fester with this poison that would destroy our friendship.

Yes I came to you in weakness... I'll never make that mistake again. I thought you knew me. I thought you cared about me... but it's like all those fake "I Love Yous" you passed to me and then took back and tried to hide. You're a poisonous illusion that I loved with all my heart.

I am half angel, blessed by Heaven, and given a Focus that I'm scared I won't complete. You mock me and belittle me for it, but you've never been spoken to personally, and therefore I don't expect you to understand the pain and the burden of being directed against your will by an entity against whom you wish you could fight. You don't even know what that Focus is, or how much pain I've been promised. You would know, but you don't. You don't know anything...because for all that you cared about me, you never bothered to ask.

So don't pretend that you know me. Though I tried to be forthcoming with everything, my master has kept me as shrouded from you...and though I've spent months cursing it, I know now that I was being protected so that someone like you wouldn't know who I really am, and therefore would have no means to truly hurt me or exploit my feelings.

I'm not angry at you anymore. I've written, and in doing so, I am now free of you. I was going to write you an email today to tell you that I value your friendship and I don't want to let you go out of my life with you thinking that I hate you, or that I never want to see you again-- because it's not true.

But you're in the same place as Rinoa now. Though it IS true that I will love you in my heart FOREVER despite all the shit between us, it's not my position to chase after you, especially when people who truly want me are reaching out for me. Every time we have separated for anything, it was YOU doing the discarding, not I.

I'm letting go of all the things that shackled me... otherwise I will never have what I need. I bear you no animosity. Loving you has made me a thousand times stronger, and because of you, I have learned to let go. I wouldn't have survived without learning this.

I've been over you for awhile, but only now have I learned what my glorious and merciful master was trying to teach me.

I'll love you always, Akachan, but never again shall you weigh on my thoughts and bring me sadness.

Goodbye.


Callisto Rhiannon Beckam


PS. I never meant to say "Fuck you" to you that one time. There's no excuse for that. I just wanted you to know.

Mesmerized part 1

I am mesmerized by little things.

I have always liked you. I've been hooked since the beginning. Just wanted you to know. Isn't that odd, how words can capture me so completely? Simple, candid words, expressing excitement, sharing joy, joking and reassuring. Perfect.

Even now I have things to look at that ensure that I will never be bored. I'm more studious than you'd imagine, and I can find perfection in a tiny moment that might mean nothing to someone else. Less than nothing, even.

Sure you're pretty with your hair so neat all the time, and your skin so fair, dressed casually or for work, with color-shifting green eyes and your to-die-for smile that make you seem both angelic and devious. I love little things about your appearance, down to the tiny scars, the curvature of your body or slopes of your shoulders, the way the shadows gather around you as you come at me in the darkness...

Sure you're good to look at. There's no denying that... but what draws me close to you all the time is something else. "Somethings" else. Do you remember sitting on your couch that night? Do you remember the first thing I touched?

Those fingers of yours are filled with something magical. I picked up your left index finger with my right as your hands rested in your lap, and you let me turn it around until it faced me, and then you slid it down into my palm. It became like a dance, and we were only looking at each other, talking about bullfrogs and injuries, rockstar fantasies, and serial killers. I think you tried to be somewhat disarming, but you knew as well as I did that you had me.

Your fingers have traveled over my skin so many times I've lost count, but every time is just as special as the first time. They stroke my hair, or tug my earrings, poke me, push me, or grab me. Despite the staggering beauty and mystery of the rest of your amazing Self, your fingers are still favorites.

I watch them now in moments of less-than-nothing, mesmerized as you pull back your hair for work, and comb it until it's perfect. I enjoy watching you dress, sliding your wallet into your pocket, or fastening your belt, before sliding on your blouse.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist. Part 3

Supernova: Tribute to Emperor Form (Kamen Rider Kiva)

These overflowing emotions
Are penetrating through this body
The Next Stage of dissolution of Time has begun

It is never enough
Resignations that are like excuses
Always piling up endlessly, as though hiding something

Surrounded somewhere at a distance
A scenery which seemed to have been gazed upon
Swiftly smashed to pieces and scattered on the palm of my hands

Tell me the destination of this feeling

This unrestrainable scorching blaze
Burns away all confusion
Starting to forget all sensations until yesterday
No one ever knows, the sounds of mine
Evolving in every aspects
A yet unknown side of myself is waking
Supernova

Advancing forward
No longer afraid of anything
As though accustomed to regrets

Desiring to want to protect
The futures of important people
From the moment of realization, everything has changed

Look, Fate is now speeding up

With maximum impact
These happenings are calling up a miracle
Nothing can stop the ever-changing me
No one ever knows, the surges from me
Resonating throughout the world
Towards a new era, start running… Supernova

These overflowing emotions
Are penetrating through this body
…there is no need to escape
I am right now transforming…
Like a little star born inside of Fate

This unrestrainable scorching blaze
Burns away all confusion
Starting to forget all sensations until yesterday
No one ever knows, the sounds of mine
Evolving in every aspects
A yet unknown side of myself is waking
Supernova

In the midst of this invisible darkness

As though creating a faint light




Supernova
Performed by: TETRA-FANG
Emperor Form Tribute Theme from: 仮面ライダーキバ
(Kamen Rider Kiva)

あふれ出す　感情が
afuredasu kanjou ga
この身体（からだ）　突き破り
kono karada tsukiyaburi
時を溶かし始まったNext Stage
toki o tokashi hajimatta Next Stage

いつも足りなくて
itsumo tarinakute
言い訳的なあきらめ
iiwake teki na akirame
ずっと積み上げていた　隠すように
zutto tsumiagete ita kakusu you ni

どこか遠巻きに
dokoka toomaki ni
眺めてたような景色
nagameteta you na keshiki
急に手のひらの上　粉々に砕け散る
kyuu ni te no hira no ue konagona ni kudake chiru

この気持ちの行き場教えて
kono kimochi no ikiba oshiete

制御不能　熱い炎
seigyo funou atsui honoo
戸惑いを焼き払い
tomadoi o yaki harai
昨日までの感覚　忘れさせる
kinou made no kankaku wasuresaseru
No one ever knows　僕の音
No one ever knows boku no oto
どこまでも進化する
doko made mo shinka suru
まだ知らない自分が　目覚めてく
mada shiranai jibun ga mezameteku
Supernova
Supernova

前に進むこと
mae ni susumu koto
怖がったりはもうしない
kowagattari wa mou shinai
後悔することに　慣れないよう
koukai suru koto ni narenai you

守りたいと願う
mamoritai to negau
大切な人の未来
taisetsu na hito no mirai
気付いた瞬間から　全ては変わりだした
kizuita shunkan kara subete wa kawaridashita

ほら運命　加速してゆく
hora unmei kasoku shite yuku

衝撃度　最大の
shougekido saidai no
出来事が　奇跡呼ぶ
dekigoto ga kiseki yobu
生まれ変わる自分を　止められない
umare kawaru jibun o tomerarenai
No one ever knows　僕の波動
No one ever knows boku no hadou
世界中　響かせて
sekaichuu hibikasete
新しい時代へと　走り出そう．．．Supernova
atarashii jidai e to hashiridasou… Supernova

あふれ出す　感情が
afuredasu kanjou ga
この身体（からだ）　突き破り
kono karada tsukiyaburi
．．．There’s no need to escape
…There’s no need to escape
僕は今　変わってく．．．
boku wa ima kawatteku…
運命の中　小さな星生まれるみたいに
unmei no naka chiisana hoshi umareru mitai ni

制御不能　熱い炎
seigyo funou atsui honoo
戸惑いを焼き払い
tomadoi o yaki harai
昨日までの感覚　忘れさせる
kinou made no kankaku wasuresaseru
No one ever knows　僕の音
No one ever knows boku no oto
どこまでも進化する
doko made mo shinka suru
まだ知らない自分が　目覚めてく
mada shiranai jibun ga mezameteku
Supernova
Supernova

見えない暗闇の中
mienai kurayami no naka

微かな光　創り出すように
kasuka na hikari tsukuridasu you ni

Stripped

I've divested myself of everything... I've opened my hands and let it all go like ashes in the wind. I've burned down to almost nothing and yet I'm still standing. I'm weak and I don't know if it's going to really be okay, but for the first time in my life, I know that I truly hold nothing except that which I am.

I feel weak enough to fall. When I'm alone I cry until I run out of tears, and even with my music blaring, I can feel my heart beating in my chest so hard it hurts. I call my friends as much as I can because I hate being alone, with only God to talk to.

My master and I talk often, and he tells me to endure it, to listen, watch, and wait, and pray, and grow. I'm so antsy here, in this heart-beating, tear-dropping, mind-rending loneliness.

Stripped, I am at a loss as to what to do and so I must wait till my master gives me the sign.

Shedding My Past

"All the things you love, let them live in your heart and turn your conviction to power.

All the things that hurt you, breathe them out like air and let them go."

There's so much that I was holding onto, but though it was all good, it prevented me from catching things that are more important.

And so here I am, letting it all go, shedding it like an old skin, in hopes that I will become stronger and wiser.

The Servant's Prayer 2

Master,

My heart is ripped out and my mind is filled with scorpions, who consume it until I'm left without words, without thoughts, without hope. I've cried so much that I feel hollow and empty, and even when I try to busy myself with other things, it's too much. I'm overflowing with this misery, devoured by my failures.

I've cared about people, your precious creations, with every ounce of my heart... I don't know how I could give any more to them...with absolute trust and all-encompassing love. And yet, I find myself here now... so many people hurting because I didn't communicate, because I made mistakes, because I misplaced, because I failed.

Master, I want to give up. I'm alone right now and it's here in my hands... please forgive me for my weakness. Please don't think that I do this in contempt. Know that though we've had a rocky relationship at times, that I cannot express anything but love and respect for you... and that I stay my hand only in this moment to offer you my prayers.

I humbly beg for you to protect the people I love and forgive my offenses. Nicole says that you've done everything for me, and yet I know I keep asking for more and it's wrong... but I can't do this anymore. If I'm destined to let down everyone I love, then why not do it all at once and spare people the anticipation of wondering when their turn is going to come around?

Yes, I remember your promise to me, but it's too much. I can't bear it. I can't bear to carry your message, to show them the miracle you once showed me. To hold this in my hands is too hard when I know that I'm going to lose people like this...

Master... you are all knowing and all loving. You taught me to love when no one else was there, and you let me feel perfect love from humans...humans who mostly are no longer in this world... and I want to hold onto that beautiful memory when your angel wrapped her wings around this half a soul that remained in me...but it's so tainted by my loneliness from all that I've lost.

I'm not dead. Why? I can't believe that this is how it should end. No, I know how I'm supposed to go... and I know that though it's equally displeasing to me, this is not it... in disgrace and despair... It hurts so much to think that I'm going to let down those people who loved me so much that they died for me... Can I really do this? I want to so badly that with the blade here in my lap seems to tremble... I've hurt so many people with my words... Why don't I just cut my tongue out here so I won't speak ever again?

I mean it... I never want to hurt anyone again! I hate myself for all the things I've done wrong... for all the times I turned against you, for all the times I acted in selfishness instead out of the Truth.

Yes I mean it... and so...Master, my beloved Master, if you say that I must live, then I will. I hate it all right now, but if you have plans to make this better... if you haven't quit on me, then I will wait. I will follow your plans.

Master, if you say that I must, then I shall follow your command... I had hoped that you would release me but that would be too easy wouldn't it? Heaven knows how much I want to stop here, but I owe you this.

Master, I give it all up to you. I swear I will give up everything here... and let you take the lead. You alone know me completely, down to the source, so guide me now. Let me hold on, even when it hurts. If you truly wish for me to embrace this destiny you have revealed and laid before me, then move me and do with me as you wish.

Master, I can't promise you that I won't fail you... I didn't want to give it all to you like this because I wanted so badly to show you that I could do it... that with all the effort in my heart I could make it shine. It sounds so prideful I know, but I didn't want to ask for more than you've already given. I wanted to make you proud.

Yet here we are.

Master know that your servant loves your creations with all her soul, and that as much as quitting seems appealing, I never want to fail again.

So Master, in your name, I forsake it all, all of my weaknesses and all of my strengths, all of my possessions, joys, and tears, all of my anger, and every other piece of me. Strip me down now until I'm nothing and rebuild me as strong as your vision. In your name, I speak out against our enemies, who have given up trying to recruit me and instead try to end me altogether.

If I truly am what you say I am, then let it be. Let it be.

I Completely Disagree.

I'm not strong enough to endure this.

God says that I was made strong enough. I was born into the world ready to go, perfect for what I was supposed to do.

I completely disagree.

And I think I realized this when I was laying alone, crying in bed smelling your sheets and remembering the way you smell when you pull me close and tell me everything is okay. When you look at me and I know you think I'm such a dork but you treat me like I'm perfect.

I remember the times you said how awesome I was...but now you hate me.

I completely disagree with God.

I'm hugging something you lent to me. I'll return it I promise, but right now it smells like you and it's the only thing I can do to take the edge off the pain of losing you.

God says that I'll get through this...

And though He's probably right,

right now, I completely disagree.

I Want to Give Up

I hate this world and I want to give up.

Everything I love is lost to my hands and eyes.

Twenty-four...twenty-five...

I tried to show the people I love all the truth that lives in my heart...this truth that I've seen, that I have no choice but to accept... this truth that redeems me, that saves me, that reminds us of Heaven's love for us. It's a promise that I witnessed, a covenant between humans and our creator.

Twenty-six...

But if I can't even make you believe me... if I can't make you trust me...If I can't inspire you to open your heart, then I've failed you. This miracle will be invisible forever because I'm not God.

Twenty-seven... twenty-eight...

Do you ever feel like you know something and you want to scream it so everyone knows but you don't do it because no one will understand? I'm so alone right now... alone in these emotions, steeped in responsibility that I can't toss off because God is the one who gave them to me.

Twenty-nine...

I told you the truth, but you're determined to find lies. You don't hear me. You don't see me. You only perceive the me that you think you deserve... but I'm so much more than that... and I wanted to give it all to you. You can't throw off this jealousy... but I would forsake all others for a moment with you, to devote an instant to only you, if in my eyes you would finally understand.

Thirty.

Thirty-one.

I won't cry. I can't cry now... so I let this do the work for me. Crying crying crying without shedding a single teardrop.

What a lie.

Thirty-two.

Of course I'm crying... so until I can make myself stop, I'll keep slicing up my heart. I'll teach myself a lesson.

Thirty-three.

I'm not what I should be... and it agonizes me to try to fit into that box, because it means that what I want more than anything just passes out of my hands...

I want to give up.

If I can't show you the truth...

Then I'll never redeem myself in your eyes...and as much as I hate to admit it, what you say and feel means so much to me that I would tear my own soul to make you love me...no...just to make you believe in me.

But I can't.

So I want to quit.


What's the point in living in a world where I only hurt the people I love?

How to Use This Blog

Since apparently there's been some confusion...

This blog =/= Journal. In other words, even though the entries are dated, they are not to be taken as literal transcriptions of current events. Even if I'm writing about something that happened yesterday, I usually spin the story in order to convey EMOTION rather than FACT.

And I might make the story LOOK like it was about a particular person or event when really it's just a cover or maybe even a symbol for something deeper that I was thinking or feeling.

Also, I take things that I experience and turn them into material for my stories and novels (see my introduction on the right side bar), so quite often I morph fact and reality in order to make it speakable for a character, or so that it will fit in my vision.

You may think you recognize yourself, but it's not necessarily you or anybody else. If you want to know, ask and I'll answer, but it's not something to be concerned about.

Also, sometimes the dates are super misleading because they simply reflect when I put the entry up on the blog, but are often transcribed from my journal or from other works, and sometimes even re-written, so don't think that yesterday's entry is from yesterday's activities-- quite often it isn't.

I also completely FABRICATE things. Just to let you know. Some things in this blog have never happened. Sometimes I write about an emotion as an event so that it can be understood by other people.

Rule of thumb: Emotion yes. Realistic reporting and recitation of facts, no.

I Can't Promise

I can't promise that I'm going to live through this. I haven't decided not to kill myself yet, actually... though to be fair, I haven't seriously considered it either.

I know when I'm going to die, and it's not like this. That's not the plan. I know it, and yet I sometimes just want to give my master the finger and do something for ME. MYSELF. My small, tiny, selfish, scared, hurt self...

The only way I get through moments like this is knowing that this isn't the plan, and yet, there have been times when I had my method of death in hand and a plan in my mind. And no one has ever tried to stop me. Not once. (Because I don't say anything until after.) So I just sit there and get ready and let God try to stop me.

My fears are gone, and I could go. I'm less and less attached to this world every day... I'm losing it all, poisoning myself to try to throw off this "protection", to let myself feel what I WANT to feel, so that I don't have to have these chains all over me. When others run wild, I have to focus on my duties, my responsibilities... I want to be like that one day... to not need to care about anyone but myself. Yet, I can't pretend that I don't take joy in jobs well done and my beautiful daughter.

Ahh my daughter... I'm destined to lose her, and so I let go of her a little bit every day because I can't take care of her. I can't be with her father the way he wants.

Akachan, you say I don't have to give her up, but it won't go back to the way it was... and I know that these things could make her stronger, but I wish it could be another way. I pray and I pray but it isn't the way it's shaping up. I can't imagine what the plan is for her, but as her mother, I'm so afraid.

Axelle was always so conscious of the time that I steal from my little girl to give to her... but those moments were hers to take...because I say so. Because with or without her, those moments had to be mine. Not every one can belong to my little girl. If there's no time for me, then I'll never live. Not ever.

But I'm not alive right now. I can't say I'm ready to die just like this... without having completed my Focus... but I can't promise that I'll live through it. I can't promise that I won't give up. I've been feeling weaker and weaker lately, and it's harder to hold on.

Rather than cry endlessly, I let my blades caress my skin the way her teeth once did, but colder and sharper until they bite, and leave scarlet indentations in my flesh. I sit here in a daze, fixating on should-haves and the identity of the truth that I cannot make her see, and the whereabouts of this miracle I'm supposed to have ready, slicing deeper and deeper until my mind clears again.

There are so many people that I care about... but I've not thought about myself in five years, and now I think that it's time to play catch up, because while I was attending to everyone else, I was losing pieces of myself. I was getting sicker and sicker and right now it's not just inside; my body's falling apart. My days are numbered right now, and I feel like I've really fucked up in everything.

I take one step and another, but my heart is breaking and breaking and my mind and heart are sad and lonely, and I feel my master trying to take me under his hand, and cut away these weak parts to replace them with perfect ones... but in that moment when I hold nothing in my hands, I go mad.

I can't endure holding nothing while waiting for something better to come to me. I know that this is what I have to do now... but it's not what I was trained to do. I was trained to hold onto what I have, and fight for what I get after... so to pray and humble myself and let things go... it's killing me.

And so I feel like if I'm dying inside anyway, I might as well quit.

I know that I won't end this way-- the only life that I have guaranteed is THIS ONE in my hands right now, and to throw it away... well, it really does seem wasteful. I know I won't go out like this... but I haven't made the choice not to.

And I can't promise that I won't.

Fucked Up Again

I fucked up again and I don't know why,
but I'm not ready to say goodbye.
The scent of your skin was still on my face
from your sheets as I was leaving your place.
You cut me now with your angry words,
and I deserve for them to be heard.
I didn't mean to hurt you so
and I wanted to write so that you would know.
Nothing means anything without you here,
and I always just want to hold you near
in my arms and never let go
and give you the love you feel I don't show.
I trip over my words, and names, I do,
and call you differently out of the blue,
but it means nothing to me, I swear,
and about that other name, I don't care...
at least not the same as I do for yours;
you are the one I love most, of course.
I fucked up again last night and it's true,
that I don't deserve to be with you,
or even live as a matter of fact,
for all of the many things that I lack.
And yet, I wish to make things right,
more than anything-- today, tonight...
I am so imperfect now, I grant,
and blind and lowly as an ant.
But I pray to Heaven with humility
that you will choose to return to me.
And I will promise to you this right now,
that I will fix this if you will allow...

The Call

The Dark Side called to me and I answered, sought it out, and tried to grasp it... in anger...in sadness...in fear...in loneliness...

And yet for once I couldn't hold it, couldn't grip it in my nerveless fingers. It kept slipping away, as if to make me chase it... and for some reason, I always felt less and less inclined to do so.

Why would it do so when normally it taunts me up close and pulls me in for a demon's kiss?

I think in my heart I know that God wants the best for me, and wans me to do something... and though I often curse my destiny, I think I'm starting to see that I believe it.

I will drink poison a hundred times before I die.

But in the end, absolution shall be mine.

How I Feel Right Now 2

Pain by itself is meaningless. Breathe it in and exhale it out...and let it leave behind its lesson so that it will make you stronger and wiser.




She cares enough about me to let me go and calm down and not unleash some hellbending horror upon me while she's this angry.

God is doing something amazing and I must have faith.

If I don't then surely I am damned.

How I Feel Right Now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it. I hate it all. It hurts God! It HURTS!!!!!!!!!!

For all the things I lose, I feel like I'm being cut apart.

WHY HER, GOD?!!! Why... do I have to lose her this way? Why couldn't it have been better? What is the point in all of this?

I know it's prideful to ask and wrong to believe that you should answer me, small tiny me... but I love her so much and yet right now it seems like we're being ripped apart by something that wasn't even REAL.

I'm burning...burning...burning. Please let me die. I can't complete my Focus. I can't stand up anymore right now. I can't do it... If I really am not on borrowed time with a borrowed soul... then please let me die. I feel right now like I'd rather be turned inside out and made a demon for violating your will than continue with this TERRIBLE mortal existence.






...but you won't let me do it...will you?



Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...I am but your servant as are we all.

My Mom.

Today I talked with my Mom. Do you know her? She's the infamous designer and seamstress Yuli Wilusz.

She says she remembers when I wasn't this way. When I never cried, and when I was never brought down by anything. She remembers my vast successes in school and how I was never a "popular kid" by any means, though I was well-liked by all. I had no enemies then, and a high GPA on top of all of that.

When Leo died, it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my short SHORT life... but I got up from it. I breathed it in and exhaled the sadness and stood back up, and I was stronger. Everything improved.

She said to me, "Back then, you were so confident. Anything you wanted, you went out and got it. What's changed so drastically in these past five years? What has made you this way?"

I went against who I was, and tried to be someone else... convinced that I could play a role that I don't think God wanted me to play. I tried to grasp all the things that I thought I should want; thought I should be.

So I've grown into what every parent fights to avoid... an unhealthy adult.

And so it's time for God to cut me back. Trimming away the diseased parts of the tree that is me, knowing that though some limbs look beautiful, that the sap within is poisoned. How far will I be pruned? How much will I lose in order to gain what I'm supposed to hold?

It hurts. It hurts!!!!!!! I'm screaming in this silence because it hurts!

S

Half My Heart

Being an adult is this long and arduous exercise in doing things I hate. I hate, hate HATE so much, but I have to do it, and swallow this world like a bitter drink just so I can continue to chase that thing I want the most.

She once said that I have no defense mechanism and that's not true. It's just that I refuse to live my life being constantly afraid of people hurting me all the goddamned time.

I cannot care about you "halfway" or feel "sort of" happy about something. I only know how to love with my entire heart. ...which is why my entire heart is ripped out right now.

But even now I can't bring myself to be angry with you because I cannot force you to do what you don't want... I can only pray that Heaven will put us back together the right way.

I want to make you mine. My family. My everything. I want you to know that you will always be loved by me, and that you will be safe with me... that my family will also be yours and they will welcome you.

I never wanted to give you half of anything of me... That you think we're strangers, only makes me want to show you more and more until you realize the truth.

You have all of me. It's all yours to take...because it is mine to give and I have chosen where it should go.

The Person Who Loved Me Most...

The person who loved me most is dead.
He loved me when we were children throwing rocks at each other.
He loved me when we were in school competing for grades.
He loved me when I was in shock from Ardinn's murder.
He loved me when I was dying.
He loved me when I was reborn.

The person who loved me most is dead.
And I can't wait to join him.
But until I finish, I must remain.

All I Want...

When I was dying, all I wanted was to live, but now that I'm alive with this borrowed half a soul, trying to pay back previous debt to a ghost, all I want is to die... because living is painful. It hurts SO MUCH.

I feel like every time I breathe my lungs are splitting-- oh that's right, THEY ARE... and my side hurts. My head hurts. All my muscles hurt. I'm just...hurting.

I'm on fire... I'm burning alive in a bubble while I'm drowning.

And I could be immortal if I so wished, when I complete my Focus... though as predicted, I will ask to die... and yet I hesitate in this thought, and continue to fold these thousand cranes while I contemplate still another wish.

Another thought...


As I realize that I would give anything to be warm and living and normal with you.

Running in the Rain

I hate running so much. SOO SOOOOOOO much.

But I just went running in the rain. I ran and ran and ran until I got lost in my own town, in the darkness. Everything is changing. It's not like how it was when I was a child. Shadows swallowed me as I ran, faster and faster, and the wind and freezing raindrops tore the tears from my eyes and soaked me. I wasn't out of breath till I had made the circuit one and a half times. Just under seven miles. A personal best for someone who hates running, though the left side of my chest hurts so much it makes me cry more even now. It reminds me that my days are numbered and if I don't complete my Focus, I will have failed.

This life I have, Loved Ones, has been stolen from someone else, and I can't afford to waste it or the sacrifice will be in vain. People talk, but they don't know the pressure that I feel to perform. They don't know what it is to have someone die in their arms. They don't wake up in the middle of the night, crying for this person. They don't know what it's like to have had everything and have lost it so many times. Why do I keep getting up? Because if I fail myself, I'm failing them. The people who love me, who have died loving me. How can I face them if I don't give it 100?

I kept running after that, but slower, running then walking, running then walking, walking, walking, then sprinting hard and fast until the houses stopped looking familiar again, and the darkness opened its jaws to claim me forever. I wished then as I wish right now, that it would. That I could run and become the wind and the rain, and the shadows.

Soaking wet, I got on the scale when I got home. Why? I don't know. I just did. I weighed ninety-seven pounds. What the hell. Then I realized I was still wearing my soggy shoes. How uncharacteristically careless of me. I took them off and let them dry. The scale's needle hovered between ninety-five and ninety-six. I need to be 105 to compete at the perfect weight. I prefer to be at least 100. Oh god what's happening to me?

I don't know what choices to make. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to turn to. No one understands. No one will stand by me. All I know is that I JUST WANT IT TO STOP HURTING SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm drinking this poison over and over and over though, because I know in my heart that though I want the pain to stop, I don't want to let go of what I love.

Looking in the mirror now, eyes bloodshot and puffy, irises ringed with eerie blue, blood seeping out of the nicks from Yoruichi's claws earlier, refusing to clot, I know that this isn't good... It's really, really not good. My hair was ratty when I got home so on impulse, I cut it. I let the scissors close many times, and now I'm here, and my hair is six inches shorter in what seemed like an instant against the blades.

For a few moments, I realized I had pushed a little too far, and cried a little too much, and I didn't have the strength to walk out of my bathroom. I laid on the cold floor for about five minutes while I mentally inventoried all of my body parts and commanded them to pick me back up again. I felt my muscles knitting back together, screaming in protest, but I screamed at them harder, and in the end, they could not resist me. I got up... but I couldn't sleep. I never sleep except in your arms. My nightmares chase me even when I'm awake. When they get too much for me to handle, that's when I run.

So I sat at my desk and began writing this...

I have no defense...that's not true. I simply choose not to live my life with a shield up. You can never love someone with your arms crossed, or receive and give anything with your fist closed. I can never live and love that way... but I admit, it still hurts when you fall.

It's like, one in the morning... and I can't sleep... I've been back less than an hour, and I just want to keep running.

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE running?

Akachan

Now I know what to do with you.

I'll be the best friend I can be for you. I love you so much more than you know, and I value you higher than I think you could ever dream I would. For you, I will split the heavens and show you that I love you that much. It will be a special order. I will prove it to you when you're ready. No, Heaven will prove it to you when you're ready.

She said that you would never love me, that you would never care about me the way I do you, and that I would never be as important to you as you are to me. She said that without meaning to, I'm hurting you, causing you to not deal with things, enabling you to be weak, and that when you are truly ready, then, and only then, will I be able to make you stronger. She says I need to stop being invested in people who don't care about themselves.

I don't think you don't care about yourself... but I think that you haven't made the choice FOR YOU that you need to make. I don't pretend to know what that is... but if you had made it, things would be different. You're in darkness now, and you keep asking "Is this the light? Is this the light?" When it is, you'll know without a doubt, and when you make that connection-- without anyone but yourself and Heaven-- then I'll be waiting, and I'll be open to you completely again.

But for now, I'll be on your side, and I'll live in this world beside you, fighting for you and protecting you as much as I can, if only to make this trip a little easier...

Goodbye Tomorrows

My tomorrows are running out and no one knows as well as I do. It's a secret I'm keeping even from those I love most.

So in case I don't get a chance... I want you to know the absolute joy that's in my heart, that I will hold even when defeat is swallowing me.

I love you. You know who you are. I love you so much that I can't even say your name here. I won't out you. I won't betray you... but I love you so much that my heart is bursting every day... and I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you a thousand times over tomorrow.

That I am forced to swallow bitter poison, is nothing to me, because I know that I will come out of fire stronger than ever, so that I will one day protect you... so that one day you will see the miracle that lives in us-- the promise of our creator, my master.

I love you endlessly. When my tomorrows are gone, I hope that you will endure on and on in the gaze of my angel. You are the light in my life, and the proof of perfection. I want to hold you in my arms forever.

There is no offense I cannot forgive, no silence that I cannot live, no hate that I cannot extinguish, and no pain that I cannot endure. I live so that my life can beautify yours.

You haven't realized this yet. Don't waste another moment, my love. Fill your life with things that bring joy... for then, my dream, my life, my Focus, will live in your perfection.

I love you enough to die for you, but for now I choose to live not only for, but BESIDE you... Heaven is glorious and merciful, and has heard my desperate pleas...