Someone I Hate

Someone I hate is someone I have to love because a person I love loves this person whom I hate.
And I hate this person sometimes because this person I love loves this person whom I hate.
And I have never met this person whom I hate, and thus I do not wish to hate this person any more, I'm sure, than this person, who has never met me, wants to hate me in return.
Now this wouldn't be a problem, and I wouldn't hate this person who is so loved by a person whom I love,
Except that this person I've grown to hate, hurts this person whom I love.
All the time.
And this person I love so much loves this person I hate so much, and won't get away from this person that I hate,
And if I were to try to come between this person whom I hate and this person whom I love, the person I love would surely come to hate me, if only just a little bit.
This person whom I hate hates me and I'm sure of it, and doesn't truly love the person whom I love,
For if this person whom I hate truly loved the person whom I love, then we wouldn't be in this mess because no one would be hurting anyone else like this.
I will never hurt this person whom I hate, out of love for the person whom I love...
But by God I wish I could pay this person back all of the pain that this hateful person has caused to a person whom I love.



To the person I hate: Know that right now I harbor the darkest, bitterest, fiercest rancor for you in my heart. You hurt someone I love, but I have to put you out of my mind, because this person must come before anything petty, insecure, jealous, and paranoid such as your worthless self.

The person I love will rebuke me for saying such things about someone I have never met, but I see the result of your treatment of this person about whom I care a great deal and I don't know what my person of interest sees in you, and I actually do care, and have tried to respect you as much as I can bear, and have tried to help my person when you made trouble. I no longer think it's worth it. You have never shown me even once that you truly give a rats ass about this person I love, and you don't deserve to be near this person.

All I see, all I hear, all I feel, is a someone I love so much crying all the time over you for all the times you've dealt callous, needless pain, and wanting only to be near you, to confide in you, to confess love for you. Because this person loves you, I feel my heart turn to you, and I want to like you. I want to love you because that's what I should do, but it's so hard.

Heaven will give me the grace to kiss your cheek when I want to slap you. I will look into your eyes and find a means to swallow this poison of injustice that Heaven will not strike you with lightning for hurting the person that I love. I will swallow it, and I will love it because you're not worth hating.

Your life nourishes and supports nothing. When I am through writing this, I will pray and Heaven will take away this hatred I feel for you. You only have yourself to give to the person I love, and that is all that the person I love has ever wanted of you-- and yet you still refuse to give it, and instead, deal words bearing death.

I on the other hand, shall give to the person I love-- no, to EVERYONE I LOVE-- every bit of myself, wreathed in flames and black feathers, and for those in my heart, I shall tear the world asunder if I must, in order to ensure their safety and happiness.

So that I will hold the person who loves you, whom you say you love, and carry this someone, this person whom I love, into a new world of my making, while you fade into oblivion.

To you, person whom I hate, know that I love you, as God does, and so my forgiveness of your transgressions will be in even payment for my own, and thus we may forget each other in the future.

Lyrics That Make Me Think of You

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

-- Finger Eleven "Paralyzer"

It feels like I'm inspecting every piece of my body and finding, oh, how odd... that I can move every piece, despite this feeling of being bound at every point.
And I think the reason for this sensation is you, and the effect you have on me, so profound. You silence and still me in awe, but you make me want to move you.
You're stagnating and I think it's a waste for someone as beautiful as you to be held up by people or things that wouldn't allow you to grow.
Yet, if I see the storm in your eyes alone, touching you would surely floor me and I doubt you would even notice that I had, your gaze so intently focused elsewhere, driven to your own direction.

Two of Me

I often wish there were two of me
so that I could be both mother and lover
teacher and student
at the same time.
I wish that I could hold all of you in my arms at once.
To love more than one with an undivided heart.
I wish that I could give you all my time,
without sacrificing everything else;
To love and be loved
without depriving another.

Twisted.

My heart is twisted up inside. I feel my stomach turning like I'm going to be sick, but instead it just starts hurting, seizing up, cramping, and spreading this sadness and anger all throughout my body.

I'm so jealous but I don't want to be.

To Rinoa

I haven't stopped thinking about you or caring about you.

But if I never see you or speak to you again... if I never learn another thing about you, and if you never think on me ever, I've learned to be all right with that.

My Akatsuki may never be truly mine, but even in aggravation and sadness, when filled with pain, she never truly abandoned me. Never has she refused to speak to me, even when my very presence seemed like poison to her.

Even when Queen goes crazy and loses her head all over me for ridiculous reasons, and even when I cannot calm her down, she has never shown me that she no longer cares. Even when she pushes me away, she doesn't shut me out completely.

But every time you get upset with me, every time something happens that's beyond your control, and every time the world refuses to coddle and cushion you, you quit. You block me, you screen my calls, and ignore me.

Yes it's true that you were there for me that one day...that one horrible day... but never again afterwards have you ever attended my tragedies, though I have served you loyally as one would her savior...

Every trivial thing... I hung onto your words and emotions and tried to know you, loved you despite the mystery, and trusted you, only to have you betray me when it suited you.


Don't misunderstand. I will always love you... but that alone will not keep me at your side. I will never abandon those I love-- yes, it's true... but it doesn't mean that I'm forced to wait on your every move.

I'm not angry at you anymore. I've simply accepted who you really are and even if the new people I've met while you were neglecting me are... not what I anticipated, I'd rather take my chances with them than endure your capriciousness.


My life was in danger, and I begged you to listen to me...just once. Just one night out of a thousand that I begged you on the phone, in tears, to let me see your face-- the face of someone I trusted, someone I loved so much, someone I believed in-- while everything in my world was shattering... and you didn't even have the courtesy to try... I waited till after dinner. I let you choose the place. I let you choose the time. And as I listened to you ignoring me on the phone, grading, and talking on vent with your online friends in your fantasy world, I realized where your real world is; who your real friends are, and where your priorities lie.

And it isn't with me, so as long as I live, I will never again be at your mercy. You have betrayed my deepest trust and turned inside out the blessings that I bestowed upon you.

I may love you, and though you will always occupy a part of my heart, you may never again plague my thoughts with trivial cruelty. Be gone and never appear before me again.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist. Part 2

"Remember when we...
Stayed up late and we talked all night
in a dark room
lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Listen to the radio play all night
didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive..."

--Skillet "Those Nights"

"You fall
to your knees
You beg
You plead
'Can I be somebody else
For all the times that I hate myself?'
Your failures
Devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your
imperfections."

--Skillet "Imperfection"

The Reason I Am... / The Most Horrible Night of My Life

When I was a little girl, before I died the first time, eaten away by the madness of my father, and destroyed by his rage...before I saw the Angel... I was just a little girl.

No, perhaps I was not just a little girl. I was a strong little girl. Only the strong survive in this world, and so I was already learning what my father is still teaching me; that we guard our bodies, our possessions, our families, our minds, and our hearts. We are always under attack somehow, and to live in fear is ridiculous, therefore, we must learn to rise above it all.

I was a little girl that night. Just a little girl with good grades, long hair, a good (but imperfect) roundhouse kick, who wore only dresses except when absolutely necessary. I was a little girl who was craving some ice cream and a big kid movie with Meredeth and Ardinn, my friends. I was a little girl, who even at that age, was a little different... always craving older female friends, always wanting to hold their hands, and always wanting to stand on even ground with them.

Meredeth was like, sixteen, and Ardinn was in her mid twenties at the time. I'm unaware of what their true relationship was though I know they were close friends. Lately, in reading Ardinn's old journals and letters, I've begun to suspect something else, but that's neither here nor there.

It was raining as we walked across the parking lot that night, and Meredeth was trying to take off her jacket to cover me. Ardinn was laughing because she thought it was pointless to fight in such a downpour. We were running to her car, and it wasn't too far away.

How do I remember Ardinn? She wasn't tall or short. Five feet and a couple of inches tops. She was in shape, but soft everywhere. I remember that Meredeth used to tease her all the time that she couldn't develop the muscle tone that she wanted so badly. She had light blue eyes, completely devoid of any other color. They were absolutely perfect like a completely still, cloudless blue sky. She had long, very light, blonde hair. Not almost white...hmm...like the color of the sand at Lanikai. She wore long faded denim over alls, one side unhooked, and a long sleeved shirt in monochromatic gray stripes. She always wore beat up Converse hightops and her baseball cap with her initials that was usually backwards, was forward to keep the rain out of her eyes.

She was a beautiful ballerina and a fencer. She spoke three languages, and was tops of her class at Berkley, I think. I remember that she had been a model for a little while, and loved to dress me up and say how cute I was.

Meredeth in contrast was much less personable in those days. Her eyes were also blue but cast with all sorts of other color. If Ardinn was a peaceful day, Meredeth was, and still is, a lightning storm over the sea. Whenever I looked her in the eyes, I would flinch, because they were shifty and dark, as if they couldn't choose one color to be. I could tell her mood from her eyes, and it usually wasn't a particularly good one. Her hair was long and black, and in those days, with the tips dyed blue. I honestly don't have a clear recollection of what she was wearing that night. I know she had on a black tank top and jeans but I can't describe anything more.

Similarly, I don't remember anything about myself either... except that I had long hair. Really long...down past my waist, and it was braided. I was probably wearing a dress and sandals. That's all I wore in those days.

Enough of this. I'm crying already remembering what was.

I was not very aware of my surroundings in those days, so when Meredeth grabbed me and put me behind her, I was confused and I started to protest, but she looked at me, with those hard, predator's eyes, and I found that my voice no longer worked.

There were at least four that I counted, but I heard Meredeth count six in later recollections. I didn't understand it back then. I couldn't. I lived in paradise, in a wonderful place, where we didn't have crime. Not like this.

In those days I went by a different name. Meredeth barked out an order for Ardinn to take me away. It was usual for me, but now I wonder why it was that people listened to Meredeth so absolutely. I know now that the experiences I was about to have, that would tear my innocence away and change me from something normal into something... else... were things that Meredeth had experienced from birth.

Ardinn's heart was racing as she put her arms around me to protect me, and I saw the grim set of Meredeth's jaw as she prepared to fight. Why, I have always asked, why would Ardinn let a teenager fight a group of armed assailants alone? Meredeth's answer is always the same: "Because you were too important to risk hurting"... though a part of it, I think, is that Meredeth's commands were irresistible; shades of the confidence and leadership I see her use daily now.

I don't think any of us were really thinking though...except maybe Meredeth. However, you can't tell a child anything. I pushed Ardinn away a little. With three we could win. With only one, how could she stand a chance? I remember setting left foot forward and raising my hands, muscle memory curling them into perfectly packed, even fists, a closed stance, protecting my face and vitals. I don't remember any of this part with any sound. I don't even remember what our attackers looked like or sounded like. I know that Meredeth was screaming and so was Ardinn, but the only thing that I remember beyond this was that I was so afraid that I thought I was going to faint, but that I was going to fight, and that to prove that I was worthy of being their friend, I was going to win.

I was the stupidest fucking child ever, and this whole memory is a source of tremendous shame and guilt for me. It always will be a horrific scar on my life.

I remember that Meredeth was the finest fighter I had ever seen, having placed third in the world in tournaments, and having been an athlete of amazing talents in high school. In fact, she had graduated this year, and was about to head to the mainland, a full scholarship in her pocket. She was my idol. She still is.

She hit so hard and fast, punches, kicks, knees, and elbows landing with such speed and precision that I couldn't follow them. I saw her eyes twice during this, and they were narrowed with concentration, and I swear they were glowing. I have never seen such a killer instinct manifested in a human before.

I, in contrast, was frozen with fear and awe.

I heard Meredeth scream something to Ardinn as I saw her back flash before my eyes. She was standing tall in front of me, completely shielding me from harm, and when she glanced back at me, I knew that I had done something very very wrong and my heart was frozen by the look of sheer disappointment that I saw there.

I saw the knife before I felt her fall. I reached out my small arms to catch her and she fell in my arms. I saw Meredeth airborne now above us and the arc of the long knife flashed once in front of her before she landed like a specter. Why is my memory silent here??

Actually, everything is holey here. I can't remember anything solidly. I don't know why but it's all such a blur.

The next solid memory I have is of the rain and lightning, and the eerie yellow of the streetlights in every drop, and of Meredeth's left hand on Ardinn's eyes. I was crying, I know, and I was hysterical. Meredeth's collarbone was laid open almost to the bone and there was blood running everywhere. Not like a skinned knee. It was as if someone had poured a bucket of blood on her. It was everywhere.

There was blood all over Ardinn too and I didn't know what to do at all. Back then I didn't even know to put pressure on wounds so I just cupped my hands to contain the blood... thinking, wondering if I could possibly pour it back into her or something. I didn't count the wounds. I hear there were seven.

Meredeth! Ardinn! You're hurt. You're hurt we need to go to the hospital. We have to go. She's hurt Meredeth! Meredeth we gotta find a phone. We gotta call 911. Meredeth! MEREDETH!!!! Did you kill those guys Meredeth? Meredeth you're bleeding we need to get help!

I started screaming uncontrollably after this, I've been told, and only stopped when her right hand clamped over my mouth.

In this moment, she looked up at me with an expression I have only seen this one time and never before or after. Her eyes caught mine and they were like metal. I felt myself actually gagging for air because suddenly my chest and throat closed like a trap. Every piece of me went so cold that I couldn't feel anything except for her stare. She was like a wild animal, and I have never been so afraid of her in my life. She was covered in blood still, despite the rain, and she twisted her lips into a snarl, baring her teeth like fangs. She said in a voice that was more like a snarl of a beast, "What do YOU know? You STUPID child... Ardinn...is DEAD...because of YOU."

My heart was cut out of my body then. Slice slice slice slice. All of my joints were popped and every tendon and ligament severed. I was suddenly a broken doll, alive but dead and motionless.

Meredeth has since apologized and does so even to this day...but sometimes it is true that sugar coating is also a lie... and the fact that this lie is meant to protect me and heal a wound doesn't change that. I know now what I wish I had understood then-- that I was powerless then, and that to protect the ones I love, I would need something more than what I had then... and that for vanity and pride, I killed a friend.

I have blood on my hands and I can't wash it off. I can never wash it off. I can never forget her. I can never be rid of this horrible sin. This horrible selfishness that killed someone I loved.

So I will fight for the rest of my life to protect the people I love, so they won't have to cry needlessly, so that when they despair, I can offer them solace and peace. So that when they are hurt, I can pick them up and cradle them, and knit them back together and hopefully make them stronger so they can do the same for others.

Forging

I feel as if I'm being bathed in fire right now. In the same way that I close my eyes and hold my breath in the shower while I tip my face up to the spray, fire is raining down upon me and filling every fiber of my soul with torchlight that spreads like a wildfire disease, attaching to each morsel of me, and consuming it in light and heat. A flood. A torrent of fire. I have no choice but to drink it.

I've started at least six entries since Sunday morning, and most are still drafts because I can't get them out. I can't finish them. I get halfway done only be interrupted by something or before I lose inspiration. Lately, unfortunately, the feelings have been somewhat negative, and they seem to be getting worse.

There's someone I love... and I am consumed by such frustration and sadness whenever I think of her. I want her to be happy. I want her to stop having to go through all this bull shit. Yet, I can only do what she will accept. A person cannot help another person who is unwilling. And so, here I am...utterly powerless, having listened to her cry, and every tear cutting my heart to ribbons,knowing that she wishes for someone else, though I am here, and willing to sit with her every night, and hold her through every storm, and stand up in front of her when others are mean to her, and pray to Heaven when darkness is pulling her.

I am so selfish. I'm so "half" that it kills me because despite being so much "more"... I am less.

But what is the point then, I beg of Heaven, What is the point of being what I am when I'm stopped from protecting the ones I care about most?

I'm on fire, I'm on fire... I have that dream almost every time I close my eyes. I'm on fire! That instant of agony that seems to last forever. I burn every time I sleep, and I burn every time I wake. I burn for this person, my friend, whom I love. I pray for that moment, that perfect moment, when I will stop burning and come out of the water perfect, shiny, and new. I am begging for that moment to come soon... When will I be done with this? When will I learn what I need to learn? When will I have what I need? When will I be where I need to be?

When will I be complete? God I'm crying out for you to show me the way... and to deliver all the people I love from despair. The hour draws close and dark, and I don't have that much time. Will I die a meaningless death alone in the void? It can't end that way-- you can't be serious!

You didn't allow me to save the others. Why? Why can't I just hold ONE in my hands and keep her from harm? Why can it not be? Why? WHY?

A Morning After a Night of Tears

I'm sitting here, and it's almost time to wake up Hiro. I'm typing, and I feel that writers block start to creep in. I have so much to do today, but I know that I won't be able to shove it all into the back of my mind-- the stuff I cried about last night.

Yoruichi is sitting at my side, looking out the window with mild interest, and she licks her lips ever so often and glances at me as if to wonder when I'll stroke her glossy black fur. Her haunches are up against my hip, and she's absolutely still right now, not bothering me, not demanding things. She's just sitting at my side, waiting for me to make some choices, knowing somewhere inside that she will have to assist me.

My thoughts... it seems that nothing I have is permanent. Truly I have said that Love is the only thing we are born with, the only thing that is free in this world, and the only thing we take with us when we die... and that it is the only all forgiving, immortal thing that we as humans will ever truly possess enough of to give to everyone else. However, by saying this, and knowing this, I didn't mean that I'm okay with everything else melting like sandcastles with every wave.

Love alone does not solve everything, and so I've been praying and praying. I can't be defeated here right now. In moments of despair, I can't give up, because other people are thinking about giving up right now. People I love are fading, dying, agonizing, fearing, worrying, and falling... I'm praying for a miracle.

I feel like I'm jumping into a pool, but instead of water, filled with darkness and silence. I need a lifeline, because I always jump in headfirst when people I love are drowning.

Second Best

I can't deny these feelings of being second best,
that in this world, I stand beside people who are wishing for another.
Sometimes I feel that if I were the oldest, or the strongest, or the wisest things would change.
And I wouldn't have to wonder
"am I good enough".
I feel sorry for even things that are beyond my control.
And I fret about people I hate.
Because I love so deeply, all of the blessings
That Heaven has bestowed upon me
That I would even love and cherish an enemy
if only to preserve a friend.
I get down
and I get jealous
and I get angry
for things I cannot change.
But I hope that I will come to understand
What God has asked me to learn;
That if I am here, with first place absent,
Then I have a job to do.
And to shirk that job
because of titles
because of status
because of vanity
truly makes me second rate.
So maybe I'm not their first pick,
But Heaven knows best,
and I am here.

Kami no Kiseki

You are God's Miracle.

I was led to you blindly.

When in despair I heard your voice.

The Servant's Prayer

I once was and still am woefully incomplete. Every time I complete one thing, I find that I am lacking in another. Such is life, so I hear.

The Buddha says that to live is to desire and to desire is to suffer and therefore to live is to suffer. I cannot argue with this, but there must be more purpose in life than to drive to be "extinguished" like a candle. I cannot live, I think, striving for an enlightenment that will only annihilate me.

Master, I have but this one life here in my hands and I cannot let it end the way I have been shown. I am dissatisfied with this destiny! I wish to pour my living mortal self into another, and use it to save or uplift the people I love. I wish to use the power of this one single mortal spirit that rests within me to tear the world and turn it inside out and upside down, if only to prove to one person that your love for us, and therefore the love that is born in our hearts is endless and immortal, all-forgiving, and without limitations.

For the person I love who is in my thoughts, let me split the heavens so she'll believe that a miracle can truly happen as a special order for a single, precious individual. Let it heal her broken heart and deliver her from uncertainty, darkness, chaos, and fear. I wish she would know what I am learning now-- that we are delivered from moments of despair when our faith in true love is strong enough. When the people I love feel that they are not strong enough, I beg that you will let me pull some of their weight. Humans, after all, are not made to carry all of the burden themselves.

My most adored creator... you must have had a reason and a plan for me, much of which is still hidden from my eyes. I pray that you will make me complete. Let it be that I will no longer buckle under pressure, or become stricken with fear in a crisis. Let it be that I can act with precision and ruthlessness in battle. Let it be that I will be calm and wise when advising others, and honest to everyone, especially myself.

I am a small angel... but I have the greatest love in my heart. Please let me share it without reservations.

Cressida's Dare

The swimming pool was closed and the security guard's footsteps had barely faded. I walked along its side with Cressida, admiring the tile mosaic at the bottom, turtles, if I recall, reflected in the soft underwater lights.

We were fully clothed and on a mission, though I imagine the temptation to innocent break rules is irresistable to those who enjoy sampling trouble. True as it is about me, I was taken aback when she pulled off her hat and tucked back all the spun gold of her hair into a band.

"I want to jump in," she whispered to me, a mischievous look in her dark green eyes. I didn't think she was truly serious even for a moment. Holding my purse and her hat and shoes in my hands, I watched her slip along the concrete lip and skim the barest bit of toe against the water. Before I could think, she was suddenly in a seated position and sliding in, fully clothed.

It was cold and I'm not going to lie about being a baby. I bluff often and usually feel that in order to maintain the veneer of hardness, that I must make good on my boasts whenever called upon. I was not to be undone or outdone now, not by this one.

I ran back and tucked all of our things under a chair for safety, and pulled off my clothes quickly, revealing my swimsuit from earlier that I hadn't fully intended to use. Certainly, I had not anticipated using it at a prohibited time and place in such weather. However, I set my tongue against the backs of my teeth as I slid in, unflinching. The cold seeped into my bones and I felt it seize all of my organs... my heart, my skin, my damaged lung... almost to the point of pain just before she took hold of me.

Her clothes were clammy and wet, swept by the wind and night air, and soaked from the water. It was somewhat unpleasant, but we sank lower, adjusting to the water, as her arms came around me. Her lips fell hard against mine and I held onto her, treading water at the same time, eager for more kisses. Her hands traveled over every bit of exposed skin and skimmed along my little swimsuit. I was in heaven.

"I'm scared. I'm scared!" I exclaimed under my breath to her. She laughed and laughed. It was cold, and I know she was too, especially with my constant thievery of her body warmth. After less than ten minutes, we got out.

Ever the ninja, I gathered my things and bolted, forgetting that she wouldn't keep up, hindered by layers of wet clothing. I was freezing myself, eager to get up to the hotel room.

A trail of water followed my footfalls. How un-ninja-like.

I slowed to let Cressida catch up and point this out. Ahh, it was true of course... and I let her remind me with a slap on my rear and a kiss on the mouth before she led me into a hot shower.

The Finest Inspiration

My heart occasionally still feels like it's in knots. I feel as if I'm suddenly walking blind everywhere now. Such is faith. The vision I once had of my life mapped out so perfectly and precisely was a ludicrous illusion. Blindness is preferable when compared to a lie. Heaven guides my steps through narrow passages that seem to close around me, squeezing the life out with hardness and coldness. It drops me through voids where I feel nothing but the falling, where I fear that I will surely splatter on some unyielding ground. Yet I find myself gently caught in warm hands and set back on paths unknown to my mortal self.

My mind abruptly writhes with thoughts and is just as quickly silenced. Heaven and training has made me into steel. I no longer waver when I debate things in my mind, and the agony of the past is gone.

"Less thinking, more action" she said to me. It's true, and finally I'm able to do it.

Action is needed from me right now. I'm stuck here in this office, and the people I need to reach out to are ostensibly stuck in theirs. Where once I might have crawled the walls, unable to calm myself, a maelstrom of panic in my heart, Heaven lays her hands upon me and where there was discord now is Focus. Resolution comes later, I know, but I am assured of victory when I have faith in my creator.

Οὐρανός κλέος Καὶ ἐλεήμων...

Poems from Sarah's Class!!!!

Some of what I consider to be my best and most heartfelt work actually came from a class I once took at UH with the lovely and wonderful Sarah-the-monkey-of-awesomeness- Hadmack.


Love (working title):

The pain I have endured
For the chance to embrace a dream
Is a scar which shall be burned upon my soul.

When her heart is worlds away (from mine)
Night is everlasting.

Water carries away mountains;
With every tear
In every tiny recess
My heart gives way,
And thus I shall break.


Purpose:

Unfailingly, along the razor's edge
The point surging home
Not a single stroke wasted or sloppy.
This is the way.

Child:

A Fight.
A Dance.
A ride on a carousel.
She never lets me go,
and though she is not mine,
I am hers.
Her dreams are my reality
and my reality guides her dreams.
When she hates me,
I can only love her
and dream of her.
Such is parenthood.

Let You Go

"stop saying u love meto me love is for the person i am with
i am DIFFERENT than u are and u will never understand that
love to me is the same thingas 'huggging' or even 'touching' in general i told u that a long time ago"

If this is all that love is to you, then I feel no anger towards you, no bitterness, and no regrets. I pity you, for not being able to see the absolute beauty that has been set before you, free to take, if only you'd open your heart.

I truly love you, my friend, even if I never see you, speak to you, touch you, or deal with you ever again. My heart will always be stronger because you were in it, and my love for others, even deeper because for a few glorious moments here and there, you accepted some.

To only be able to feel love for the one you're "with"... you have so many more people to love, who love you, and you're doing them such a great injustice by denying them. However, I know shades of your past, and so I understand, and I will step away from you now because of it. If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't say it to you, but know that I will pray for you every day, and I hope that you will one day see the truth that I am learning, and the truth that we are meant to see.

To have been intimate with you... I accept it and I regret nothing. I was happy to be near you, glad to share something that I value as special, and to express the affection and trust that was in my heart.

Your heart, Akachan, is twisted inside. I see it and I feel it. You're full of dishonesty and illusion, scarred by pain, and bound up by bitterness. You haven't turned your life around--not yet. You're not done yet! There's so much more that you were meant to do, meant to accomplish, and meant to feel. Let go of the things that hurt you and make you sad or angry. Forgive the ones who bring these things to you. I also have a lot of this to do... so I know that it's hard, but it will be done if you truly want it.

One morning, early, you told me that you loved me, in barely a whisper, and then you told me again, and again, while you held me in your arms. For all the times that I had told you, did you find it odd that I didn't respond these three times? I held you in my arms at that moment and stilled your hands and lips so that, hopefully, you would feel, in your heart, that my love for you is more that erotic, physical, or passion-based. I have never told you I loved you while sharing your bed. Before, yes, and after, yes. In actions, yes, but I never used my voice to tell you "during". Why? Because although I could tell you with all my heart ALWAYS... I didn't want that to be the defining factor of our relationship. I wanted you to know that I love you even when we're apart, and I prayed to Heaven as I pray now that one day you will understand that even if I take a different form, and even if we never meet again, my caring for you will never die, and if you're in trouble, I will attend to you with the all the softness and fierceness of my soul.

Making Me Walk Away

I'm sorry that you feel that you can't walk away from me. You push me, but never sever me, and block me but never bury me. You bring up every little thing to nick and scratch me so I'll hate you and walk away first.

You want to feel so superior don't you? To believe that you are right and I was wrong, and that you are hurt and I abused you when you were using me this whole time... But the kicker is that you never could truly use me because you care about me even now and you hide it and hate it but it hurts you... So you tried to be a ninja and close your heart while you made a cut deep enough to make me lose my will...

But you're wrong and you've failed because you missed what I was taught as a child-- You couldn't look into my eyes and make this cut clean and sharp, devastating and irrevocable. You hid in your texts and over the phone, and in person you wavered because your killer instincts are not like mine.

Not like mine? Surely you're laughing, thinking that you have seen me as I truly am-- so soft-hearted and merciful, kind and loving, and too gentle to kill... but as a loving mother lion, I am deadly in battle, and I don't think twice when action is needed.

Maybe you banked on this, hoping to antagonize the beast into a strike... but again you fail. Lionesses are not bothered by lone hyenas.

I'm not walking away. I'm standing my ground, not willing to advance towards you where you'll invariably ambush me, but not abandoning that upon which I stand. I love you, so fuck you. You can't make me say I hate you. You tried so hard to make me blame you, but I don't. My feelings are my own. I don't blame you for anything. I am who and what I am because I chose to follow what Heaven has lain before me, and I'm proud of it.

I am truly, a person that I can love and respect. I am a person of conviction, determination, and honor. I am a person of love and forgiveness. I am also a person of ruthlessness and efficiency when I need to be. You taught me how to flip my switches. Never shall I cry for you...

So here I am. I'm not going anywhere. If you feel forsaken, I am not the reason.

New Policy:

FUCK YOU,

FUCK YOU,

FUCK YOU

and the horse you rode in on.

I am the way I am. If you don't like it, stand on your head and hold your breath until your vision of me clears the way you like it.

I am a beautiful, hopeless romantic. I'm emotional because my feelings keep me honest, and they force me to value even what others see as worthless. I take a hit, I vent, and then I turn around and face my life.

It is UNACCEPTABLE to me to be a bitch to other people just because they don't fit into MY little boxes, and it is equally if not MORE abhorrent to be a bitch to people just because my silly little life isn't panning out the way I think it should be.

God moves us, and when we fight against God, we are reminded of our smallness. I have been reminded, and I have been given some tough love by my creator, and it has helped me see that I don't ever have to be judged, labeled, harassed, or cut down by mortals. It was foolish to let myself be.

You are small and weak, and I am strong because God is with me. God doesn't hate gays either, so if that's what you're thinking, reboot your mind-- you have a virus and it's eating your subcranium.

God put me here to love on others. Sometimes this will be hard, but even though I'm angry, or even though I'm frustrated or sad, and even though the very people I care about most will lash out at me, I won't back down. My creator gave me a mission and I will not fail it.

This is my new policy. Come with me, and enjoy all the love and support that I can give you, or get the hell out of my way.

Deny Me Nothing

My dear you shall deny me nothing...not because you cannot, but because you are compelled to say yes to me in everything. I feel the same way about you.

Deny me nothing, for I am yours, and what you give to me or do for me is also yours.

I'm happier than I can articulate right now. You are truly special and I feel so blessed to be in your presence and call myself yours.