Sacrifice

Over the years, since I turned eighteen, I have sacrificed a lot for people I love.

I gave up seeing my family for awhile. I gave up my freedom. I gave up jobs. I gave up money. I even fucked up my school life. I started living far away and making long commutes. I lost my inheritance and I didn't care because I thought that love was far more important than anything else. I gave up independence in order to take care of Hiro and the household. I gave up my self-worth and my self-respect. I let people walk all over me whenever they felt like it and I forgave them over and over again because I understood that sometimes people get down and they need to lash out in order to make themselves feel strong again. It's wrong, sure, but don't I sometimes get frustrated or upset? Of course. So I forgive.

I am getting really fucking tired of sacrificing though. I am tired of not living with my cats. I already lost Ichigo. I'm fucking sorry that no one sees that his loss was a sacrifice. Yes, he escaped and it was an accident, but I still was forced to come to terms with the fact that I DON'T HAVE MY CAT. I am tired of not living with my daughter. I deal with it and so does she because we don't have another option. Divorce is a bitch but it happens. I am tired of living with a dog whom I fucking hate. I deal with him because of how happy he makes her. I know how much Mat hated cats but he still got Yoruichi for me. Why? Because at one point, he loved me THAT much and surely I love Cassie way more than that, so Achilles will stay. I was even willing, in a pinch, to live separately. It's hard to house two people and a dog, especially when one doesn't make very much money. I understand...so I was willing to sacrifice that.

But I am not going to stand around and be insulted and disrespected for my options here. I get shot down left and right with my ideas. I know they're nuts but sometimes crazy shit is all I have. I am sorry that I am willing to tap Mathew for help in housing me. He is my best option. I am trying to ask other people. Friends, my parents, etc. I am TRYING to have solutions that work better, but the fact remains...We are homeless on December 10th. If, by the end of November, we STILL don't have a better option, the FACT is this: It's me or the dog. I would rather she choose the dog because I can visit. He would not be able to do the same.

However, I don't want to hear any lip about how I don't understand what it's like to lose an animal. I don't want to hear about how my "options" aren't good ones. I am DOING THE BEST I CAN. What is the lesser of two evils here?

I'm getting pretty fucking tired of sacrificing. Supposedly I'm important...but if someone is willing to go as far as to move to the mainland rather than give up the dog, forgive me if I don't FEEL as important as I've been told I am. It is NOT my fault that we are in this situation. I am TRYING to fix it. I am DOING EVERYTHING I CAN...

stop adding to my stress. I don't know what else to do. I keep trying. I keep looking. It hurts but I'll give up more and more and more to show you how much I love you... but I can't take anymore.