Digging

The stores of my strength are gone, but not depleted. Rather, they are hidden and locked up somewhere safe, and for some reason it seems that I've run out the door without them again... but the key is forgotten, and their location unknown.

So I know that if I am to be worthy of that which I have struggled my WHOLE LIFE to obtain, then I'm going to have to dig, even if it's with my teeth. I have to stand back up, and wipe away my tears, and ignore the blood, and take hold...

But I fear that what is locked up is Zeus's thunderbolt, and that if I am not Athena, I will be vaporized into aether. Perhaps I am not worthy of it.

I want to make others stronger, but though I am strong enough to endure, I feel like I want to break. What am I? Why am I? How can I endure the tears of others when I am happy? How can I enjoy the smiles of others when my heart is sliced?

What am I? Why am I?

frustrated. frustrated. frustrated. digging.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist part 5

I've always been so strong. As a child I was taught to get up when I got hit, and to fear nothing-- not pain, not death, and certainly not other people. I was taught to guard my heart and mind and give nothing away. I was taught to serve my family and loved ones with all the loyalty and love that my small heart could muster, and swallow every trace of weakness or frailty.

But in the last few years I've been discovering who I am... and I can't be a Tower right now. I feel like all of the soft fleshy things which the Tower once protected is being torn apart by other people and the elements, and I'm trying to regroup, but every time I think I've got my shields raised, a chink in the armor lets an arrow pierce my heart.

I feel like I'm weak again... All my stores of strength...are out of my hands. I sense that they are not depleted... but compiling with interest, exponentially increased with every trial... but locked up somewhere, the key forgotten.



The Tower
Artist: Vienna Teng
Album: Waking Hour (2001)

Lyrics

The one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
right before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies

She says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

She turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
The words won't come
She carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
That she can be happy the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done

And yet I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

Reach out
but hold back
Where is safety
Reach out
and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one
The one

Reach out
but hold back
Where is safety
Reach out
and hold back
Where is the one who can save me
Where is the one
The one
The one

I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
The danger and the power
The friend and the foe...

Servant

She's going to be okay! She's going to deploy on time, just as she wanted and the leg will heal just fine. I'm so happy that I could dance! God has heard my prayers for sure, and to have one's wishes so completely granted is something that not many people can relate to.

Still... I asked for this wish, prayed this desperate hope with all my heart...but not for myself. So in a way, it is not my wish, but someone else's. I'm trying to be unselfish, but I suck at it, because in my heart, God knows how much I wish she would stay just a little longer, how I wish I could hold her in my arms forever...

So I'm both triumphant and heartbroken...

Heaven does love me...that I can't deny. I am loved beyond my tiny comprehension... but Heaven is cruel as well, and I feel such pain as I walk this path. Yet, I would rather be loved by a cruel God than neglected by a happy one.

I bow my head and I'm crying, and I wish that things were different...that everything would work out how fragile, tiny Callisto wants it to... but despite my desires, I know what to ask for, and I must do what is right. So I'm crying... but from the bottom of my heart I am thankful that God is going to heal my pretty girl up and make her strong again, and let her achieve her goals, and perform her duties.

But God, my merciless and harsh master, please grant your servant some bit of selfishness into the prayer and do not judge too severely now... and let some of the happiness, some of the satisfaction, some of the perfection of your judgement spill into me as well. I love her...let me pour my joy out for her so that she will know, not how sad I will be when she's gone, but how happy I am just to be with her now, and how the memory of this time will make me stronger, and how uplifted my heart is just to know her. Let her see that though I am selfish and sad now, I am truly happy for her and that I care more for her than I do for my weak emotions-- a hundred fold.

Unchain my fears so that I'll just talk to her and communicate... so that she'll know the truth of my feelings and thoughts and be able to accept them and find beauty and wonder in me... Not so that she will be pained by our parting, but so that she'll benefit as I do; so that this brief time will not just be passing, wasted, but instead, beautiful, memorable, and perfect.

Being a Lesbian

...has totally fucking SUCKED...

But it's also pretty awesome.

I mean, I hate it because it's not "normal" and I've been met with so much drama and pain because of it, and I still haven't settled down the way I once intended to.

But I was looking at my pretty girl the other night, and I thought, "Wow, she's with ME..." She's certainly had her choice of girls and I know that she has more game than anyone I know. I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of animal magnetism, and I wonder if she knows how special she makes me feel because of the simple fact that when she could be anywhere else, she chooses to spend this time with me.

For anyone who thinks I'm not a lesbian...I don't really care what you think. All I know is that I love the curves on a woman's body. Breasts, thighs, arms, the slope of the shoulders, and the nape of the neck. I love the way they move, the way they smell, the sound of their voices, the look in their eyes. I love it I love it I love it! I like women who look like women, with hair at least long enough to pull back, and to run my fingers through, who are clean and groomed without being high maintenance.

My girl is this way. She's so gorgeous. I love it when she smiles at me. So open. So candid. I love to look at her in the light and see how the sun reflects in her eyes, or to see a flash of white before she grazes me with her teeth. I love her ten perfect fingers, smooth and strong, with clean, shiny nails and soft pads... the contours of her white palms, shot through with fold lines twisted and curved. These hands have touched me everywhere, but I love them most on my face, the back of my head when I'm sleeping, and sliding down my spine.

Her hands are a source of comfort I've only felt with women, and with her so strongly, that they remind me of a dream I once had... or maybe it wasn't a dream... I'm still not clear, but I don't know how I could feel so alive when I thought before that I had lived so richly.

Girls are so charming. So hard to deny them a single thing... And so when darlings play rough, they have broken me in innumerable ways. Yet, I have only begged for more, it seems, since even in dark moments, I have never felt the kind of mental, emotional, or physical connection with a man that I have with another woman. Indeed I think I would almost rather be abused by a woman than cherished by a man. That's so sick to say, but sometimes I feel that way and I almost hate myself.

Why can't I be normal? I go back to this thought when I'm crying over a girl.

But then there are moments when she'll smile at me and all of my troubles, all of my pain, and everything else just melts away like mist, and it's perfect--Just perfect.

I'm alone now... and I'm crying even though it makes me hurt more... and my mind is back to which moments? The day I met Mat or the day Leo asked me to marry him? Of crushes on Japanese rock stars or worse, anime characters? No... instead, there is only them... my beautiful muses: My cats and my women. So cruel are claws and fangs and crueler still are words... and yet so comforting is a purr or a sigh, and so gentle is the touch of toe pads and fingers, noses, lips, whiskers and eyelashes...

I've owned five cats and loved them all(if you count Iori), but in my life only two have been my friends (Yoruichi and Miss Kitty, Uncle Ben's cat), to whom I have told my secrets and who have watched me and waited for me as if we were a part of each other.

I've pursued several women, but only one saw fit to to give me all that she felt I deserved. Only one called me her "girlfriend" and elevated me, and poured out her generosity and kindness without reservation, bitterness, fear, or ulterior motive. Ironically, she is the only one who is pushing me away so hard so we won't hurt each other. She's a woman with a temper that I've come to fear a little bit, but with a heart so big that I can be held within for long moments. She's the only one who has never uttered "I love you" and yet she has loved me more than all of them.

So it hurts right now to feel like I have to stand somehow apart from her now. Yet, I will always have these memories and I won't tarnish the gifts she has bestowed upon me with her friendship. I won't let them turn sour or corrupt their intention. She has made me stronger. She has made me better.

I'm alone right now... but comforted by memories of moments of true love.



*edited 9/12

Cruelty

In my WHOLE life, I have never been cruel to anyone. I have been angry. I have been sad. I have been hurt. I have wanted to kill people in my anger... but I have never been cruel. Never have I exploited the weaknesses of friends or enemies for my personal gain, amusement, satisfaction, or any other reason.

I know that I have hurt people. I know that I have done wrong. I know that I have been a poor judge of character and situation... But I have NEVER meant it and whenever I have, I have always sought restitution.

Rarely do I speak out in my own defense and rarely do I use my words to be combative. I don't like to fight, and I rarely do so. I would rather let my friend kick me to death than accept him or her as an enemy.

But I do know many people now who do not share my views... who use their words, and their friends' secrets and vulnerabilities to cut them and control them. I know people who are so self-absorbed and so self-righteous that they can do no wrong and seek to place inordinate blame upon the backs of those who love them most, and unconditionally.

My heart is broken by your cruelty. When I would die for you, giving unto you every drop of blood, and every tear, and every fragment of my soul... when being unmade would be preferred over seeing you in pain even for a moment... and when I won't even defend myself against your blows, your slander, your illusions and delusions... You still do not see how much I care.

I open my arms to people without reservation. I do not fear you. I do not hide. I know what is coming, and yet I always reach out to others. When the person I love stabs me in the heart, I've been prepared, and yet it's always a doozy.

Though before, when I might have allowed myself just to die and quit...I cannot. Ironically, it's because you scarred me so severely that I'm stronger. I have my own reasons for living, and because you so fiercely abused me by throwing me into the fire so many times, you have tempered me and transformed me into something greater. You may never see what you have made, and if you did I'm sure you would marvel.

But I am more beautiful and finer than ever before, like a new blade that can carve down to the molecules, or an mp3's quality compared to that of a tape, I will take all the pain you have dealt me and turn it into power. You are my inspiration. You are my power.

Because I loved you so much with my whole heart, I know that I have already forgiven you. It is not your fault. When you have often worked so hard in your life only to be given fools gold as repayment... how could you ever believe that a stranger would hand you something so perfect and valuable for free? I forgive your ignorance and your feral scratching and biting. I will love you always, and I shall NEVER regret what I have said nor take back what I have given.

...I am cruel in my own ways, perhaps...but in time, I pray that you'll see the good in this.

Dessert

Our lives are meals, courses and courses of dishes both familiar and alien, which are both to our liking and not. There are some plates we want more of, and sometimes are indulged and sometimes are not, and the reverse is also true. Life is full of things we MUST do, and sometimes we like these things and sometimes we hate them... and sometimes we do them over and over again, regardless of our feelings.

But there is something more to life, as there is often more to dinner. Dessert. If one has the room and the taste for what's being served, then I strongly advise in the partaking of this completely optional course, which may be devoid of nutrition and substance, and is purely an exercise in pleasure.

I seek to be your dessert, since I really serve no other need in your life, other than to have fun with you. Once upon a time, this used to bother me, but I've come to appreciate more things as I've grown. I can be as sweet or as tart as you could want me, packed with substance like cheesecake, or as airy as whipped cream. Taste me and savor the sensation for a moment before you take another bite, and let the next be better than the last, ribbons of subtlety and outrageousness intermingling, tickling your every thought and bringing a smile to your face. Do not overindulge though, for then the very sight of me might make you sick, and you might push the plate away and become disinclined to return to the table.

Don't worry. There's no need to gorge yourself. If you desire it to be so, you can have another helping some other time. It isn't a one-time deal by any means... so while it's still fun, let's say "until next time" and enjoy ourselves when the mood strikes us.


I am lucky. I don't readily gain weight, and I have some restraint, so I rarely find myself not enjoying desserts... but to some, this is not the case, and so they and I find ourselves in some sort of disagreement over the pleasure of the experience or lack thereof. I love to indulge myself like a hedonist up until the very barest edge of the threshold between pleasure and pain...and even past it at times. It isn't good for me, certainly, but I too am learning my limits and my own joys.

Power Over Me Part 2 (Moments)

In fact, she drove us apart and placed a barrier betwixt us because of this love I have for her. She can't return it now and may never, and she doesn't want to hurt me in the way you have so many times. She refuses to use my devotion, my soft and loving soul, and my intense desire to keep me at her side as a plaything while she pursues her own goals, unknown to me.

In many ways, she has cared about me and respected and treated me better than a lot of people who say they love me with all their hearts. While some of these people have beaten me or lied to me, or slandered me, used me, or betrayed me, she has never. She has never made excuses for her anger or asked me to endure anything for her.

It leads me to believe that love, while important, is also unimportant. Love will create this extra facet, but it isn't something that I'm pursuing with her, nor with anyone, because what is meant to be surely will come to be regardless of my actions here or there. What I must do now, is allow moments of beauty and wonder to fill my reality so that my life with be memorable and full of amazement and perfection like a mosaic made of shards of glass, often alone, sharp and irregular, seemingly imperfect and discolored. As a composite, I am unique, fine, and beautiful, and nothing will tarnish my shine.

I will let go of all which I am afraid to lose, so that these moments of perfection will not spoil in my hands, but rather, be free. In doing so, I will also be free to be happy, as we cannot grab more than what we can hold, and to try ensures failure to do both. I only have so much time to spend with her, to spend with you, to spend on myself...to be HERE on Earth, so I can either spend it chasing things that I may or may not ever find, or I can be the best ME that I can be, and love myself, and be happy every day, having fun, and not worrying about the permanence or the "longterm value" of things.

Sometimes some moments are the most special because they're temporary... and sometimes temporary pleasure becomes longterm happiness... either way, there's no sense in worrying.

Power Over Me

To Those Who Have Chosen to Walk Away,



I do think about you from time to time. I will never abandon someone I care about, no matter how angry they've made me or how deeply they've hurt me for purposes known only to themselves and God. If I have ever told you I loved you, then that fact will never change, and never will I forget all the good times, nor will I ever abandon you in my prayers. If one day you are all alone and you need my help, I cannot promise either way as to my reaction, but trust my words when I say that I will not wish for your destruction or intentionally add to your anguish.

But this is where it all ends for us, my fallen star. While love may be the most important thing in my universe, it is also the LEAST important thing. While it is true that love is the only thing we're born with, to which all living beings are entitled, and the only thing that we take with us when we die...while it is true that it is how we as humans forgive in our hearts what we cannot in our minds, or how we grow and gain strength and wisdom in order to benefit ourselves and those we love, and while it is immortal and all-forgiving, omnipresent, and while it never forsakes us... it is not something that will ever allow one to have power over another.

So while I do love you and shall always, Love alone shall not preserve our friendship, nor any other relationship. I can find love in the hearts of people who want it with the same fervor and purity that I have come to understand, and so if that is what I want, I need not pry it from you or anyone else like some sort of reward after grievous trials. It is not something that we should work for-- it is given freely or not at all.

So I don't care that I love you while you don't share my feelings-- this is not the reason for us to be together, nor to be apart. If you wanted to be at my side now, you would be, for your own reasons, and you would treat me in such a way so as to make me stay with you. You would TRY, is what I'm saying, and not just say "If you love me, you'll stay". IF you truly cared about me, you would rely on your own virtues and your desires and abilities and not on my feelings. Do not presume to prey on me using my greatest strength as my weakness.

She doesn't nor has she ever.

A Very Peculiar Feeling

I'm so depressed right now... and I wish things could be different, and I'm so frustrated and upset on so many levels, but mostly sad and feeling down and hurt... but I also feel triumphant.

I'm finally really testing out my newfound confidence that I've been shamelessly bragging about for weeks. Yes, it's real. Yes! I'm heartbroken right now, and it's true that I might be this way forever... but I'm so happy because someone I care about deeply wants the best for herself, but also for me, and she's frustrated with me right now, but I love her so much that I find that I'm not angry or anything. Instead, I love her for her honesty and I appreciate her for all her feelings and her will to not hurt me further.

It's so hard to see a blessing when it seems like everything is burning, but the blessing is that even in aggravation, she has never wanted to hurt me or abuse me, and she finds it wrong to drag things out, to give me false hope. I'm crying right now, but I am so SOOOO happy to have her in my life.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist. Part 4

An awesome girl sang and danced this song for me, and it always reminds me of her, but in listening to it on my own, it also makes me want to say "Fuck you haters" because I'm going to be happy in my own amazing way no matter what.

Never Gonna Say I'm Sorry

Ace of Base


I'll never gonna say I'm sorry,
I'm a clown for everyone
I'll never gonna let you down,
I'm always here like a sun
I'll never gonna say I'm sorry,
I'm a clown for everyone
I'll never gonna let you down,
I'm always here like a sun

I'm a looser, that is a fact for sure
I'm happy even if you don't want
To invite me out for a dance tonight
I'm not normal, I know, I don't care

Also, Paganini's Caprice 24 in A Minor of course...

Fangs and Poison

Akachan,

At one point I really believed that you cared about me... and part of me, the angelic part of me, wants to believe more than anything that you TRULY do... but I've been learning a lot in the last few months and it leads me to believe that you don't.

You don't listen to anything that I say and even when I write it, you don't bother to extrapolate, interpret, analyze, or ask about it so you just go off on your own assumptions. You think that I go off before asking for clarification, but there you go, always throwing things at me, and acting like I'm the bad guy for giving you my heart and feeling totally used and broken whenever your eyes see something else.

No, it was stupid, to be sure, but I invested everything I had to give into you because I wanted to show you that I would love you through anything, and when I thought I didn't have enough, I cut out other things to make more for you... My heart is closed to you now, though, because I see your ignorance and I see your pain, and it's not something that I can fix so I'm not going to try anymore. You say you believe in Heaven? Then go and ask. My mistake was trying to do what I wasn't meant to in the first place.

It's not me who's jealous, I realize. It's you. I let myself be poisoned by all of your lies, all these times when you said you cared about me, when you said I could talk to you about anything, when you said that I mattered... but you turned away from me the instant something else came around and caught your fancy, and yet you kept me hooked until I was raw and bloody inside, all the while, accusing me of straying when it wasn't your place to question. No it's not your fault. It's mine, for not realizing that it was YOU who can't look past our past.

You accuse me of being with more than one person in a short time. How little you know. Your jealousy and insecurity makes you question who I am. You think it's bullshit because you've NEVER experienced what I have... real friends who LOVE me and who aren't afraid to tell me that they do... who, even in experiencing real feelings for me, are willing to push those feelings aside in order to do the best good for ME, and want me to do the same for them, even when it drives us crazy.

I would give you anything. You've been bouncing back and forth among three people and yet you dare to question me... and yet, I'd still give you all the support in the world if I can muster it. Yes it's hard because of what we've been through together, but YOUR happiness means more than MY selfishness, and even if I have to love people I want to HATE, I'll do it with a smile because I would rather tear my heart out than let it fester with this poison that would destroy our friendship.

Yes I came to you in weakness... I'll never make that mistake again. I thought you knew me. I thought you cared about me... but it's like all those fake "I Love Yous" you passed to me and then took back and tried to hide. You're a poisonous illusion that I loved with all my heart.

I am half angel, blessed by Heaven, and given a Focus that I'm scared I won't complete. You mock me and belittle me for it, but you've never been spoken to personally, and therefore I don't expect you to understand the pain and the burden of being directed against your will by an entity against whom you wish you could fight. You don't even know what that Focus is, or how much pain I've been promised. You would know, but you don't. You don't know anything...because for all that you cared about me, you never bothered to ask.

So don't pretend that you know me. Though I tried to be forthcoming with everything, my master has kept me as shrouded from you...and though I've spent months cursing it, I know now that I was being protected so that someone like you wouldn't know who I really am, and therefore would have no means to truly hurt me or exploit my feelings.

I'm not angry at you anymore. I've written, and in doing so, I am now free of you. I was going to write you an email today to tell you that I value your friendship and I don't want to let you go out of my life with you thinking that I hate you, or that I never want to see you again-- because it's not true.

But you're in the same place as Rinoa now. Though it IS true that I will love you in my heart FOREVER despite all the shit between us, it's not my position to chase after you, especially when people who truly want me are reaching out for me. Every time we have separated for anything, it was YOU doing the discarding, not I.

I'm letting go of all the things that shackled me... otherwise I will never have what I need. I bear you no animosity. Loving you has made me a thousand times stronger, and because of you, I have learned to let go. I wouldn't have survived without learning this.

I've been over you for awhile, but only now have I learned what my glorious and merciful master was trying to teach me.

I'll love you always, Akachan, but never again shall you weigh on my thoughts and bring me sadness.

Goodbye.


Callisto Rhiannon Beckam


PS. I never meant to say "Fuck you" to you that one time. There's no excuse for that. I just wanted you to know.

Mesmerized part 1

I am mesmerized by little things.

I have always liked you. I've been hooked since the beginning. Just wanted you to know. Isn't that odd, how words can capture me so completely? Simple, candid words, expressing excitement, sharing joy, joking and reassuring. Perfect.

Even now I have things to look at that ensure that I will never be bored. I'm more studious than you'd imagine, and I can find perfection in a tiny moment that might mean nothing to someone else. Less than nothing, even.

Sure you're pretty with your hair so neat all the time, and your skin so fair, dressed casually or for work, with color-shifting green eyes and your to-die-for smile that make you seem both angelic and devious. I love little things about your appearance, down to the tiny scars, the curvature of your body or slopes of your shoulders, the way the shadows gather around you as you come at me in the darkness...

Sure you're good to look at. There's no denying that... but what draws me close to you all the time is something else. "Somethings" else. Do you remember sitting on your couch that night? Do you remember the first thing I touched?

Those fingers of yours are filled with something magical. I picked up your left index finger with my right as your hands rested in your lap, and you let me turn it around until it faced me, and then you slid it down into my palm. It became like a dance, and we were only looking at each other, talking about bullfrogs and injuries, rockstar fantasies, and serial killers. I think you tried to be somewhat disarming, but you knew as well as I did that you had me.

Your fingers have traveled over my skin so many times I've lost count, but every time is just as special as the first time. They stroke my hair, or tug my earrings, poke me, push me, or grab me. Despite the staggering beauty and mystery of the rest of your amazing Self, your fingers are still favorites.

I watch them now in moments of less-than-nothing, mesmerized as you pull back your hair for work, and comb it until it's perfect. I enjoy watching you dress, sliding your wallet into your pocket, or fastening your belt, before sliding on your blouse.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist. Part 3

Supernova: Tribute to Emperor Form (Kamen Rider Kiva)

These overflowing emotions
Are penetrating through this body
The Next Stage of dissolution of Time has begun

It is never enough
Resignations that are like excuses
Always piling up endlessly, as though hiding something

Surrounded somewhere at a distance
A scenery which seemed to have been gazed upon
Swiftly smashed to pieces and scattered on the palm of my hands

Tell me the destination of this feeling

This unrestrainable scorching blaze
Burns away all confusion
Starting to forget all sensations until yesterday
No one ever knows, the sounds of mine
Evolving in every aspects
A yet unknown side of myself is waking
Supernova

Advancing forward
No longer afraid of anything
As though accustomed to regrets

Desiring to want to protect
The futures of important people
From the moment of realization, everything has changed

Look, Fate is now speeding up

With maximum impact
These happenings are calling up a miracle
Nothing can stop the ever-changing me
No one ever knows, the surges from me
Resonating throughout the world
Towards a new era, start running… Supernova

These overflowing emotions
Are penetrating through this body
…there is no need to escape
I am right now transforming…
Like a little star born inside of Fate

This unrestrainable scorching blaze
Burns away all confusion
Starting to forget all sensations until yesterday
No one ever knows, the sounds of mine
Evolving in every aspects
A yet unknown side of myself is waking
Supernova

In the midst of this invisible darkness

As though creating a faint light




Supernova
Performed by: TETRA-FANG
Emperor Form Tribute Theme from: 仮面ライダーキバ
(Kamen Rider Kiva)

あふれ出す　感情が
afuredasu kanjou ga
この身体（からだ）　突き破り
kono karada tsukiyaburi
時を溶かし始まったNext Stage
toki o tokashi hajimatta Next Stage

いつも足りなくて
itsumo tarinakute
言い訳的なあきらめ
iiwake teki na akirame
ずっと積み上げていた　隠すように
zutto tsumiagete ita kakusu you ni

どこか遠巻きに
dokoka toomaki ni
眺めてたような景色
nagameteta you na keshiki
急に手のひらの上　粉々に砕け散る
kyuu ni te no hira no ue konagona ni kudake chiru

この気持ちの行き場教えて
kono kimochi no ikiba oshiete

制御不能　熱い炎
seigyo funou atsui honoo
戸惑いを焼き払い
tomadoi o yaki harai
昨日までの感覚　忘れさせる
kinou made no kankaku wasuresaseru
No one ever knows　僕の音
No one ever knows boku no oto
どこまでも進化する
doko made mo shinka suru
まだ知らない自分が　目覚めてく
mada shiranai jibun ga mezameteku
Supernova
Supernova

前に進むこと
mae ni susumu koto
怖がったりはもうしない
kowagattari wa mou shinai
後悔することに　慣れないよう
koukai suru koto ni narenai you

守りたいと願う
mamoritai to negau
大切な人の未来
taisetsu na hito no mirai
気付いた瞬間から　全ては変わりだした
kizuita shunkan kara subete wa kawaridashita

ほら運命　加速してゆく
hora unmei kasoku shite yuku

衝撃度　最大の
shougekido saidai no
出来事が　奇跡呼ぶ
dekigoto ga kiseki yobu
生まれ変わる自分を　止められない
umare kawaru jibun o tomerarenai
No one ever knows　僕の波動
No one ever knows boku no hadou
世界中　響かせて
sekaichuu hibikasete
新しい時代へと　走り出そう．．．Supernova
atarashii jidai e to hashiridasou… Supernova

あふれ出す　感情が
afuredasu kanjou ga
この身体（からだ）　突き破り
kono karada tsukiyaburi
．．．There’s no need to escape
…There’s no need to escape
僕は今　変わってく．．．
boku wa ima kawatteku…
運命の中　小さな星生まれるみたいに
unmei no naka chiisana hoshi umareru mitai ni

制御不能　熱い炎
seigyo funou atsui honoo
戸惑いを焼き払い
tomadoi o yaki harai
昨日までの感覚　忘れさせる
kinou made no kankaku wasuresaseru
No one ever knows　僕の音
No one ever knows boku no oto
どこまでも進化する
doko made mo shinka suru
まだ知らない自分が　目覚めてく
mada shiranai jibun ga mezameteku
Supernova
Supernova

見えない暗闇の中
mienai kurayami no naka

微かな光　創り出すように
kasuka na hikari tsukuridasu you ni

Stripped

I've divested myself of everything... I've opened my hands and let it all go like ashes in the wind. I've burned down to almost nothing and yet I'm still standing. I'm weak and I don't know if it's going to really be okay, but for the first time in my life, I know that I truly hold nothing except that which I am.

I feel weak enough to fall. When I'm alone I cry until I run out of tears, and even with my music blaring, I can feel my heart beating in my chest so hard it hurts. I call my friends as much as I can because I hate being alone, with only God to talk to.

My master and I talk often, and he tells me to endure it, to listen, watch, and wait, and pray, and grow. I'm so antsy here, in this heart-beating, tear-dropping, mind-rending loneliness.

Stripped, I am at a loss as to what to do and so I must wait till my master gives me the sign.

Shedding My Past

"All the things you love, let them live in your heart and turn your conviction to power.

All the things that hurt you, breathe them out like air and let them go."

There's so much that I was holding onto, but though it was all good, it prevented me from catching things that are more important.

And so here I am, letting it all go, shedding it like an old skin, in hopes that I will become stronger and wiser.

The Servant's Prayer 2

Master,

My heart is ripped out and my mind is filled with scorpions, who consume it until I'm left without words, without thoughts, without hope. I've cried so much that I feel hollow and empty, and even when I try to busy myself with other things, it's too much. I'm overflowing with this misery, devoured by my failures.

I've cared about people, your precious creations, with every ounce of my heart... I don't know how I could give any more to them...with absolute trust and all-encompassing love. And yet, I find myself here now... so many people hurting because I didn't communicate, because I made mistakes, because I misplaced, because I failed.

Master, I want to give up. I'm alone right now and it's here in my hands... please forgive me for my weakness. Please don't think that I do this in contempt. Know that though we've had a rocky relationship at times, that I cannot express anything but love and respect for you... and that I stay my hand only in this moment to offer you my prayers.

I humbly beg for you to protect the people I love and forgive my offenses. Nicole says that you've done everything for me, and yet I know I keep asking for more and it's wrong... but I can't do this anymore. If I'm destined to let down everyone I love, then why not do it all at once and spare people the anticipation of wondering when their turn is going to come around?

Yes, I remember your promise to me, but it's too much. I can't bear it. I can't bear to carry your message, to show them the miracle you once showed me. To hold this in my hands is too hard when I know that I'm going to lose people like this...

Master... you are all knowing and all loving. You taught me to love when no one else was there, and you let me feel perfect love from humans...humans who mostly are no longer in this world... and I want to hold onto that beautiful memory when your angel wrapped her wings around this half a soul that remained in me...but it's so tainted by my loneliness from all that I've lost.

I'm not dead. Why? I can't believe that this is how it should end. No, I know how I'm supposed to go... and I know that though it's equally displeasing to me, this is not it... in disgrace and despair... It hurts so much to think that I'm going to let down those people who loved me so much that they died for me... Can I really do this? I want to so badly that with the blade here in my lap seems to tremble... I've hurt so many people with my words... Why don't I just cut my tongue out here so I won't speak ever again?

I mean it... I never want to hurt anyone again! I hate myself for all the things I've done wrong... for all the times I turned against you, for all the times I acted in selfishness instead out of the Truth.

Yes I mean it... and so...Master, my beloved Master, if you say that I must live, then I will. I hate it all right now, but if you have plans to make this better... if you haven't quit on me, then I will wait. I will follow your plans.

Master, if you say that I must, then I shall follow your command... I had hoped that you would release me but that would be too easy wouldn't it? Heaven knows how much I want to stop here, but I owe you this.

Master, I give it all up to you. I swear I will give up everything here... and let you take the lead. You alone know me completely, down to the source, so guide me now. Let me hold on, even when it hurts. If you truly wish for me to embrace this destiny you have revealed and laid before me, then move me and do with me as you wish.

Master, I can't promise you that I won't fail you... I didn't want to give it all to you like this because I wanted so badly to show you that I could do it... that with all the effort in my heart I could make it shine. It sounds so prideful I know, but I didn't want to ask for more than you've already given. I wanted to make you proud.

Yet here we are.

Master know that your servant loves your creations with all her soul, and that as much as quitting seems appealing, I never want to fail again.

So Master, in your name, I forsake it all, all of my weaknesses and all of my strengths, all of my possessions, joys, and tears, all of my anger, and every other piece of me. Strip me down now until I'm nothing and rebuild me as strong as your vision. In your name, I speak out against our enemies, who have given up trying to recruit me and instead try to end me altogether.

If I truly am what you say I am, then let it be. Let it be.

I Completely Disagree.

I'm not strong enough to endure this.

God says that I was made strong enough. I was born into the world ready to go, perfect for what I was supposed to do.

I completely disagree.

And I think I realized this when I was laying alone, crying in bed smelling your sheets and remembering the way you smell when you pull me close and tell me everything is okay. When you look at me and I know you think I'm such a dork but you treat me like I'm perfect.

I remember the times you said how awesome I was...but now you hate me.

I completely disagree with God.

I'm hugging something you lent to me. I'll return it I promise, but right now it smells like you and it's the only thing I can do to take the edge off the pain of losing you.

God says that I'll get through this...

And though He's probably right,

right now, I completely disagree.

I Want to Give Up

I hate this world and I want to give up.

Everything I love is lost to my hands and eyes.

Twenty-four...twenty-five...

I tried to show the people I love all the truth that lives in my heart...this truth that I've seen, that I have no choice but to accept... this truth that redeems me, that saves me, that reminds us of Heaven's love for us. It's a promise that I witnessed, a covenant between humans and our creator.

Twenty-six...

But if I can't even make you believe me... if I can't make you trust me...If I can't inspire you to open your heart, then I've failed you. This miracle will be invisible forever because I'm not God.

Twenty-seven... twenty-eight...

Do you ever feel like you know something and you want to scream it so everyone knows but you don't do it because no one will understand? I'm so alone right now... alone in these emotions, steeped in responsibility that I can't toss off because God is the one who gave them to me.

Twenty-nine...

I told you the truth, but you're determined to find lies. You don't hear me. You don't see me. You only perceive the me that you think you deserve... but I'm so much more than that... and I wanted to give it all to you. You can't throw off this jealousy... but I would forsake all others for a moment with you, to devote an instant to only you, if in my eyes you would finally understand.

Thirty.

Thirty-one.

I won't cry. I can't cry now... so I let this do the work for me. Crying crying crying without shedding a single teardrop.

What a lie.

Thirty-two.

Of course I'm crying... so until I can make myself stop, I'll keep slicing up my heart. I'll teach myself a lesson.

Thirty-three.

I'm not what I should be... and it agonizes me to try to fit into that box, because it means that what I want more than anything just passes out of my hands...

I want to give up.

If I can't show you the truth...

Then I'll never redeem myself in your eyes...and as much as I hate to admit it, what you say and feel means so much to me that I would tear my own soul to make you love me...no...just to make you believe in me.

But I can't.

So I want to quit.


What's the point in living in a world where I only hurt the people I love?

How to Use This Blog

Since apparently there's been some confusion...

This blog =/= Journal. In other words, even though the entries are dated, they are not to be taken as literal transcriptions of current events. Even if I'm writing about something that happened yesterday, I usually spin the story in order to convey EMOTION rather than FACT.

And I might make the story LOOK like it was about a particular person or event when really it's just a cover or maybe even a symbol for something deeper that I was thinking or feeling.

Also, I take things that I experience and turn them into material for my stories and novels (see my introduction on the right side bar), so quite often I morph fact and reality in order to make it speakable for a character, or so that it will fit in my vision.

You may think you recognize yourself, but it's not necessarily you or anybody else. If you want to know, ask and I'll answer, but it's not something to be concerned about.

Also, sometimes the dates are super misleading because they simply reflect when I put the entry up on the blog, but are often transcribed from my journal or from other works, and sometimes even re-written, so don't think that yesterday's entry is from yesterday's activities-- quite often it isn't.

I also completely FABRICATE things. Just to let you know. Some things in this blog have never happened. Sometimes I write about an emotion as an event so that it can be understood by other people.

Rule of thumb: Emotion yes. Realistic reporting and recitation of facts, no.

I Can't Promise

I can't promise that I'm going to live through this. I haven't decided not to kill myself yet, actually... though to be fair, I haven't seriously considered it either.

I know when I'm going to die, and it's not like this. That's not the plan. I know it, and yet I sometimes just want to give my master the finger and do something for ME. MYSELF. My small, tiny, selfish, scared, hurt self...

The only way I get through moments like this is knowing that this isn't the plan, and yet, there have been times when I had my method of death in hand and a plan in my mind. And no one has ever tried to stop me. Not once. (Because I don't say anything until after.) So I just sit there and get ready and let God try to stop me.

My fears are gone, and I could go. I'm less and less attached to this world every day... I'm losing it all, poisoning myself to try to throw off this "protection", to let myself feel what I WANT to feel, so that I don't have to have these chains all over me. When others run wild, I have to focus on my duties, my responsibilities... I want to be like that one day... to not need to care about anyone but myself. Yet, I can't pretend that I don't take joy in jobs well done and my beautiful daughter.

Ahh my daughter... I'm destined to lose her, and so I let go of her a little bit every day because I can't take care of her. I can't be with her father the way he wants.

Akachan, you say I don't have to give her up, but it won't go back to the way it was... and I know that these things could make her stronger, but I wish it could be another way. I pray and I pray but it isn't the way it's shaping up. I can't imagine what the plan is for her, but as her mother, I'm so afraid.

Axelle was always so conscious of the time that I steal from my little girl to give to her... but those moments were hers to take...because I say so. Because with or without her, those moments had to be mine. Not every one can belong to my little girl. If there's no time for me, then I'll never live. Not ever.

But I'm not alive right now. I can't say I'm ready to die just like this... without having completed my Focus... but I can't promise that I'll live through it. I can't promise that I won't give up. I've been feeling weaker and weaker lately, and it's harder to hold on.

Rather than cry endlessly, I let my blades caress my skin the way her teeth once did, but colder and sharper until they bite, and leave scarlet indentations in my flesh. I sit here in a daze, fixating on should-haves and the identity of the truth that I cannot make her see, and the whereabouts of this miracle I'm supposed to have ready, slicing deeper and deeper until my mind clears again.

There are so many people that I care about... but I've not thought about myself in five years, and now I think that it's time to play catch up, because while I was attending to everyone else, I was losing pieces of myself. I was getting sicker and sicker and right now it's not just inside; my body's falling apart. My days are numbered right now, and I feel like I've really fucked up in everything.

I take one step and another, but my heart is breaking and breaking and my mind and heart are sad and lonely, and I feel my master trying to take me under his hand, and cut away these weak parts to replace them with perfect ones... but in that moment when I hold nothing in my hands, I go mad.

I can't endure holding nothing while waiting for something better to come to me. I know that this is what I have to do now... but it's not what I was trained to do. I was trained to hold onto what I have, and fight for what I get after... so to pray and humble myself and let things go... it's killing me.

And so I feel like if I'm dying inside anyway, I might as well quit.

I know that I won't end this way-- the only life that I have guaranteed is THIS ONE in my hands right now, and to throw it away... well, it really does seem wasteful. I know I won't go out like this... but I haven't made the choice not to.

And I can't promise that I won't.

Fucked Up Again

I fucked up again and I don't know why,
but I'm not ready to say goodbye.
The scent of your skin was still on my face
from your sheets as I was leaving your place.
You cut me now with your angry words,
and I deserve for them to be heard.
I didn't mean to hurt you so
and I wanted to write so that you would know.
Nothing means anything without you here,
and I always just want to hold you near
in my arms and never let go
and give you the love you feel I don't show.
I trip over my words, and names, I do,
and call you differently out of the blue,
but it means nothing to me, I swear,
and about that other name, I don't care...
at least not the same as I do for yours;
you are the one I love most, of course.
I fucked up again last night and it's true,
that I don't deserve to be with you,
or even live as a matter of fact,
for all of the many things that I lack.
And yet, I wish to make things right,
more than anything-- today, tonight...
I am so imperfect now, I grant,
and blind and lowly as an ant.
But I pray to Heaven with humility
that you will choose to return to me.
And I will promise to you this right now,
that I will fix this if you will allow...

The Call

The Dark Side called to me and I answered, sought it out, and tried to grasp it... in anger...in sadness...in fear...in loneliness...

And yet for once I couldn't hold it, couldn't grip it in my nerveless fingers. It kept slipping away, as if to make me chase it... and for some reason, I always felt less and less inclined to do so.

Why would it do so when normally it taunts me up close and pulls me in for a demon's kiss?

I think in my heart I know that God wants the best for me, and wans me to do something... and though I often curse my destiny, I think I'm starting to see that I believe it.

I will drink poison a hundred times before I die.

But in the end, absolution shall be mine.

How I Feel Right Now 2

Pain by itself is meaningless. Breathe it in and exhale it out...and let it leave behind its lesson so that it will make you stronger and wiser.




She cares enough about me to let me go and calm down and not unleash some hellbending horror upon me while she's this angry.

God is doing something amazing and I must have faith.

If I don't then surely I am damned.

How I Feel Right Now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it. I hate it all. It hurts God! It HURTS!!!!!!!!!!

For all the things I lose, I feel like I'm being cut apart.

WHY HER, GOD?!!! Why... do I have to lose her this way? Why couldn't it have been better? What is the point in all of this?

I know it's prideful to ask and wrong to believe that you should answer me, small tiny me... but I love her so much and yet right now it seems like we're being ripped apart by something that wasn't even REAL.

I'm burning...burning...burning. Please let me die. I can't complete my Focus. I can't stand up anymore right now. I can't do it... If I really am not on borrowed time with a borrowed soul... then please let me die. I feel right now like I'd rather be turned inside out and made a demon for violating your will than continue with this TERRIBLE mortal existence.






...but you won't let me do it...will you?



Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...I am but your servant as are we all.

My Mom.

Today I talked with my Mom. Do you know her? She's the infamous designer and seamstress Yuli Wilusz.

She says she remembers when I wasn't this way. When I never cried, and when I was never brought down by anything. She remembers my vast successes in school and how I was never a "popular kid" by any means, though I was well-liked by all. I had no enemies then, and a high GPA on top of all of that.

When Leo died, it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my short SHORT life... but I got up from it. I breathed it in and exhaled the sadness and stood back up, and I was stronger. Everything improved.

She said to me, "Back then, you were so confident. Anything you wanted, you went out and got it. What's changed so drastically in these past five years? What has made you this way?"

I went against who I was, and tried to be someone else... convinced that I could play a role that I don't think God wanted me to play. I tried to grasp all the things that I thought I should want; thought I should be.

So I've grown into what every parent fights to avoid... an unhealthy adult.

And so it's time for God to cut me back. Trimming away the diseased parts of the tree that is me, knowing that though some limbs look beautiful, that the sap within is poisoned. How far will I be pruned? How much will I lose in order to gain what I'm supposed to hold?

It hurts. It hurts!!!!!!! I'm screaming in this silence because it hurts!

S

Half My Heart

Being an adult is this long and arduous exercise in doing things I hate. I hate, hate HATE so much, but I have to do it, and swallow this world like a bitter drink just so I can continue to chase that thing I want the most.

She once said that I have no defense mechanism and that's not true. It's just that I refuse to live my life being constantly afraid of people hurting me all the goddamned time.

I cannot care about you "halfway" or feel "sort of" happy about something. I only know how to love with my entire heart. ...which is why my entire heart is ripped out right now.

But even now I can't bring myself to be angry with you because I cannot force you to do what you don't want... I can only pray that Heaven will put us back together the right way.

I want to make you mine. My family. My everything. I want you to know that you will always be loved by me, and that you will be safe with me... that my family will also be yours and they will welcome you.

I never wanted to give you half of anything of me... That you think we're strangers, only makes me want to show you more and more until you realize the truth.

You have all of me. It's all yours to take...because it is mine to give and I have chosen where it should go.

The Person Who Loved Me Most...

The person who loved me most is dead.
He loved me when we were children throwing rocks at each other.
He loved me when we were in school competing for grades.
He loved me when I was in shock from Ardinn's murder.
He loved me when I was dying.
He loved me when I was reborn.

The person who loved me most is dead.
And I can't wait to join him.
But until I finish, I must remain.

All I Want...

When I was dying, all I wanted was to live, but now that I'm alive with this borrowed half a soul, trying to pay back previous debt to a ghost, all I want is to die... because living is painful. It hurts SO MUCH.

I feel like every time I breathe my lungs are splitting-- oh that's right, THEY ARE... and my side hurts. My head hurts. All my muscles hurt. I'm just...hurting.

I'm on fire... I'm burning alive in a bubble while I'm drowning.

And I could be immortal if I so wished, when I complete my Focus... though as predicted, I will ask to die... and yet I hesitate in this thought, and continue to fold these thousand cranes while I contemplate still another wish.

Another thought...


As I realize that I would give anything to be warm and living and normal with you.

Running in the Rain

I hate running so much. SOO SOOOOOOO much.

But I just went running in the rain. I ran and ran and ran until I got lost in my own town, in the darkness. Everything is changing. It's not like how it was when I was a child. Shadows swallowed me as I ran, faster and faster, and the wind and freezing raindrops tore the tears from my eyes and soaked me. I wasn't out of breath till I had made the circuit one and a half times. Just under seven miles. A personal best for someone who hates running, though the left side of my chest hurts so much it makes me cry more even now. It reminds me that my days are numbered and if I don't complete my Focus, I will have failed.

This life I have, Loved Ones, has been stolen from someone else, and I can't afford to waste it or the sacrifice will be in vain. People talk, but they don't know the pressure that I feel to perform. They don't know what it is to have someone die in their arms. They don't wake up in the middle of the night, crying for this person. They don't know what it's like to have had everything and have lost it so many times. Why do I keep getting up? Because if I fail myself, I'm failing them. The people who love me, who have died loving me. How can I face them if I don't give it 100?

I kept running after that, but slower, running then walking, running then walking, walking, walking, then sprinting hard and fast until the houses stopped looking familiar again, and the darkness opened its jaws to claim me forever. I wished then as I wish right now, that it would. That I could run and become the wind and the rain, and the shadows.

Soaking wet, I got on the scale when I got home. Why? I don't know. I just did. I weighed ninety-seven pounds. What the hell. Then I realized I was still wearing my soggy shoes. How uncharacteristically careless of me. I took them off and let them dry. The scale's needle hovered between ninety-five and ninety-six. I need to be 105 to compete at the perfect weight. I prefer to be at least 100. Oh god what's happening to me?

I don't know what choices to make. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to turn to. No one understands. No one will stand by me. All I know is that I JUST WANT IT TO STOP HURTING SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm drinking this poison over and over and over though, because I know in my heart that though I want the pain to stop, I don't want to let go of what I love.

Looking in the mirror now, eyes bloodshot and puffy, irises ringed with eerie blue, blood seeping out of the nicks from Yoruichi's claws earlier, refusing to clot, I know that this isn't good... It's really, really not good. My hair was ratty when I got home so on impulse, I cut it. I let the scissors close many times, and now I'm here, and my hair is six inches shorter in what seemed like an instant against the blades.

For a few moments, I realized I had pushed a little too far, and cried a little too much, and I didn't have the strength to walk out of my bathroom. I laid on the cold floor for about five minutes while I mentally inventoried all of my body parts and commanded them to pick me back up again. I felt my muscles knitting back together, screaming in protest, but I screamed at them harder, and in the end, they could not resist me. I got up... but I couldn't sleep. I never sleep except in your arms. My nightmares chase me even when I'm awake. When they get too much for me to handle, that's when I run.

So I sat at my desk and began writing this...

I have no defense...that's not true. I simply choose not to live my life with a shield up. You can never love someone with your arms crossed, or receive and give anything with your fist closed. I can never live and love that way... but I admit, it still hurts when you fall.

It's like, one in the morning... and I can't sleep... I've been back less than an hour, and I just want to keep running.

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE running?

Akachan

Now I know what to do with you.

I'll be the best friend I can be for you. I love you so much more than you know, and I value you higher than I think you could ever dream I would. For you, I will split the heavens and show you that I love you that much. It will be a special order. I will prove it to you when you're ready. No, Heaven will prove it to you when you're ready.

She said that you would never love me, that you would never care about me the way I do you, and that I would never be as important to you as you are to me. She said that without meaning to, I'm hurting you, causing you to not deal with things, enabling you to be weak, and that when you are truly ready, then, and only then, will I be able to make you stronger. She says I need to stop being invested in people who don't care about themselves.

I don't think you don't care about yourself... but I think that you haven't made the choice FOR YOU that you need to make. I don't pretend to know what that is... but if you had made it, things would be different. You're in darkness now, and you keep asking "Is this the light? Is this the light?" When it is, you'll know without a doubt, and when you make that connection-- without anyone but yourself and Heaven-- then I'll be waiting, and I'll be open to you completely again.

But for now, I'll be on your side, and I'll live in this world beside you, fighting for you and protecting you as much as I can, if only to make this trip a little easier...

Goodbye Tomorrows

My tomorrows are running out and no one knows as well as I do. It's a secret I'm keeping even from those I love most.

So in case I don't get a chance... I want you to know the absolute joy that's in my heart, that I will hold even when defeat is swallowing me.

I love you. You know who you are. I love you so much that I can't even say your name here. I won't out you. I won't betray you... but I love you so much that my heart is bursting every day... and I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you a thousand times over tomorrow.

That I am forced to swallow bitter poison, is nothing to me, because I know that I will come out of fire stronger than ever, so that I will one day protect you... so that one day you will see the miracle that lives in us-- the promise of our creator, my master.

I love you endlessly. When my tomorrows are gone, I hope that you will endure on and on in the gaze of my angel. You are the light in my life, and the proof of perfection. I want to hold you in my arms forever.

There is no offense I cannot forgive, no silence that I cannot live, no hate that I cannot extinguish, and no pain that I cannot endure. I live so that my life can beautify yours.

You haven't realized this yet. Don't waste another moment, my love. Fill your life with things that bring joy... for then, my dream, my life, my Focus, will live in your perfection.

I love you enough to die for you, but for now I choose to live not only for, but BESIDE you... Heaven is glorious and merciful, and has heard my desperate pleas...

Someone I Hate

Someone I hate is someone I have to love because a person I love loves this person whom I hate.
And I hate this person sometimes because this person I love loves this person whom I hate.
And I have never met this person whom I hate, and thus I do not wish to hate this person any more, I'm sure, than this person, who has never met me, wants to hate me in return.
Now this wouldn't be a problem, and I wouldn't hate this person who is so loved by a person whom I love,
Except that this person I've grown to hate, hurts this person whom I love.
All the time.
And this person I love so much loves this person I hate so much, and won't get away from this person that I hate,
And if I were to try to come between this person whom I hate and this person whom I love, the person I love would surely come to hate me, if only just a little bit.
This person whom I hate hates me and I'm sure of it, and doesn't truly love the person whom I love,
For if this person whom I hate truly loved the person whom I love, then we wouldn't be in this mess because no one would be hurting anyone else like this.
I will never hurt this person whom I hate, out of love for the person whom I love...
But by God I wish I could pay this person back all of the pain that this hateful person has caused to a person whom I love.



To the person I hate: Know that right now I harbor the darkest, bitterest, fiercest rancor for you in my heart. You hurt someone I love, but I have to put you out of my mind, because this person must come before anything petty, insecure, jealous, and paranoid such as your worthless self.

The person I love will rebuke me for saying such things about someone I have never met, but I see the result of your treatment of this person about whom I care a great deal and I don't know what my person of interest sees in you, and I actually do care, and have tried to respect you as much as I can bear, and have tried to help my person when you made trouble. I no longer think it's worth it. You have never shown me even once that you truly give a rats ass about this person I love, and you don't deserve to be near this person.

All I see, all I hear, all I feel, is a someone I love so much crying all the time over you for all the times you've dealt callous, needless pain, and wanting only to be near you, to confide in you, to confess love for you. Because this person loves you, I feel my heart turn to you, and I want to like you. I want to love you because that's what I should do, but it's so hard.

Heaven will give me the grace to kiss your cheek when I want to slap you. I will look into your eyes and find a means to swallow this poison of injustice that Heaven will not strike you with lightning for hurting the person that I love. I will swallow it, and I will love it because you're not worth hating.

Your life nourishes and supports nothing. When I am through writing this, I will pray and Heaven will take away this hatred I feel for you. You only have yourself to give to the person I love, and that is all that the person I love has ever wanted of you-- and yet you still refuse to give it, and instead, deal words bearing death.

I on the other hand, shall give to the person I love-- no, to EVERYONE I LOVE-- every bit of myself, wreathed in flames and black feathers, and for those in my heart, I shall tear the world asunder if I must, in order to ensure their safety and happiness.

So that I will hold the person who loves you, whom you say you love, and carry this someone, this person whom I love, into a new world of my making, while you fade into oblivion.

To you, person whom I hate, know that I love you, as God does, and so my forgiveness of your transgressions will be in even payment for my own, and thus we may forget each other in the future.

Lyrics That Make Me Think of You

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

-- Finger Eleven "Paralyzer"

It feels like I'm inspecting every piece of my body and finding, oh, how odd... that I can move every piece, despite this feeling of being bound at every point.
And I think the reason for this sensation is you, and the effect you have on me, so profound. You silence and still me in awe, but you make me want to move you.
You're stagnating and I think it's a waste for someone as beautiful as you to be held up by people or things that wouldn't allow you to grow.
Yet, if I see the storm in your eyes alone, touching you would surely floor me and I doubt you would even notice that I had, your gaze so intently focused elsewhere, driven to your own direction.

Two of Me

I often wish there were two of me
so that I could be both mother and lover
teacher and student
at the same time.
I wish that I could hold all of you in my arms at once.
To love more than one with an undivided heart.
I wish that I could give you all my time,
without sacrificing everything else;
To love and be loved
without depriving another.

Twisted.

My heart is twisted up inside. I feel my stomach turning like I'm going to be sick, but instead it just starts hurting, seizing up, cramping, and spreading this sadness and anger all throughout my body.

I'm so jealous but I don't want to be.

To Rinoa

I haven't stopped thinking about you or caring about you.

But if I never see you or speak to you again... if I never learn another thing about you, and if you never think on me ever, I've learned to be all right with that.

My Akatsuki may never be truly mine, but even in aggravation and sadness, when filled with pain, she never truly abandoned me. Never has she refused to speak to me, even when my very presence seemed like poison to her.

Even when Queen goes crazy and loses her head all over me for ridiculous reasons, and even when I cannot calm her down, she has never shown me that she no longer cares. Even when she pushes me away, she doesn't shut me out completely.

But every time you get upset with me, every time something happens that's beyond your control, and every time the world refuses to coddle and cushion you, you quit. You block me, you screen my calls, and ignore me.

Yes it's true that you were there for me that one day...that one horrible day... but never again afterwards have you ever attended my tragedies, though I have served you loyally as one would her savior...

Every trivial thing... I hung onto your words and emotions and tried to know you, loved you despite the mystery, and trusted you, only to have you betray me when it suited you.


Don't misunderstand. I will always love you... but that alone will not keep me at your side. I will never abandon those I love-- yes, it's true... but it doesn't mean that I'm forced to wait on your every move.

I'm not angry at you anymore. I've simply accepted who you really are and even if the new people I've met while you were neglecting me are... not what I anticipated, I'd rather take my chances with them than endure your capriciousness.


My life was in danger, and I begged you to listen to me...just once. Just one night out of a thousand that I begged you on the phone, in tears, to let me see your face-- the face of someone I trusted, someone I loved so much, someone I believed in-- while everything in my world was shattering... and you didn't even have the courtesy to try... I waited till after dinner. I let you choose the place. I let you choose the time. And as I listened to you ignoring me on the phone, grading, and talking on vent with your online friends in your fantasy world, I realized where your real world is; who your real friends are, and where your priorities lie.

And it isn't with me, so as long as I live, I will never again be at your mercy. You have betrayed my deepest trust and turned inside out the blessings that I bestowed upon you.

I may love you, and though you will always occupy a part of my heart, you may never again plague my thoughts with trivial cruelty. Be gone and never appear before me again.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist. Part 2

"Remember when we...
Stayed up late and we talked all night
in a dark room
lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

Listen to the radio play all night
didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive..."

--Skillet "Those Nights"

"You fall
to your knees
You beg
You plead
'Can I be somebody else
For all the times that I hate myself?'
Your failures
Devour
Your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your
imperfections."

--Skillet "Imperfection"

The Reason I Am... / The Most Horrible Night of My Life

When I was a little girl, before I died the first time, eaten away by the madness of my father, and destroyed by his rage...before I saw the Angel... I was just a little girl.

No, perhaps I was not just a little girl. I was a strong little girl. Only the strong survive in this world, and so I was already learning what my father is still teaching me; that we guard our bodies, our possessions, our families, our minds, and our hearts. We are always under attack somehow, and to live in fear is ridiculous, therefore, we must learn to rise above it all.

I was a little girl that night. Just a little girl with good grades, long hair, a good (but imperfect) roundhouse kick, who wore only dresses except when absolutely necessary. I was a little girl who was craving some ice cream and a big kid movie with Meredeth and Ardinn, my friends. I was a little girl, who even at that age, was a little different... always craving older female friends, always wanting to hold their hands, and always wanting to stand on even ground with them.

Meredeth was like, sixteen, and Ardinn was in her mid twenties at the time. I'm unaware of what their true relationship was though I know they were close friends. Lately, in reading Ardinn's old journals and letters, I've begun to suspect something else, but that's neither here nor there.

It was raining as we walked across the parking lot that night, and Meredeth was trying to take off her jacket to cover me. Ardinn was laughing because she thought it was pointless to fight in such a downpour. We were running to her car, and it wasn't too far away.

How do I remember Ardinn? She wasn't tall or short. Five feet and a couple of inches tops. She was in shape, but soft everywhere. I remember that Meredeth used to tease her all the time that she couldn't develop the muscle tone that she wanted so badly. She had light blue eyes, completely devoid of any other color. They were absolutely perfect like a completely still, cloudless blue sky. She had long, very light, blonde hair. Not almost white...hmm...like the color of the sand at Lanikai. She wore long faded denim over alls, one side unhooked, and a long sleeved shirt in monochromatic gray stripes. She always wore beat up Converse hightops and her baseball cap with her initials that was usually backwards, was forward to keep the rain out of her eyes.

She was a beautiful ballerina and a fencer. She spoke three languages, and was tops of her class at Berkley, I think. I remember that she had been a model for a little while, and loved to dress me up and say how cute I was.

Meredeth in contrast was much less personable in those days. Her eyes were also blue but cast with all sorts of other color. If Ardinn was a peaceful day, Meredeth was, and still is, a lightning storm over the sea. Whenever I looked her in the eyes, I would flinch, because they were shifty and dark, as if they couldn't choose one color to be. I could tell her mood from her eyes, and it usually wasn't a particularly good one. Her hair was long and black, and in those days, with the tips dyed blue. I honestly don't have a clear recollection of what she was wearing that night. I know she had on a black tank top and jeans but I can't describe anything more.

Similarly, I don't remember anything about myself either... except that I had long hair. Really long...down past my waist, and it was braided. I was probably wearing a dress and sandals. That's all I wore in those days.

Enough of this. I'm crying already remembering what was.

I was not very aware of my surroundings in those days, so when Meredeth grabbed me and put me behind her, I was confused and I started to protest, but she looked at me, with those hard, predator's eyes, and I found that my voice no longer worked.

There were at least four that I counted, but I heard Meredeth count six in later recollections. I didn't understand it back then. I couldn't. I lived in paradise, in a wonderful place, where we didn't have crime. Not like this.

In those days I went by a different name. Meredeth barked out an order for Ardinn to take me away. It was usual for me, but now I wonder why it was that people listened to Meredeth so absolutely. I know now that the experiences I was about to have, that would tear my innocence away and change me from something normal into something... else... were things that Meredeth had experienced from birth.

Ardinn's heart was racing as she put her arms around me to protect me, and I saw the grim set of Meredeth's jaw as she prepared to fight. Why, I have always asked, why would Ardinn let a teenager fight a group of armed assailants alone? Meredeth's answer is always the same: "Because you were too important to risk hurting"... though a part of it, I think, is that Meredeth's commands were irresistible; shades of the confidence and leadership I see her use daily now.

I don't think any of us were really thinking though...except maybe Meredeth. However, you can't tell a child anything. I pushed Ardinn away a little. With three we could win. With only one, how could she stand a chance? I remember setting left foot forward and raising my hands, muscle memory curling them into perfectly packed, even fists, a closed stance, protecting my face and vitals. I don't remember any of this part with any sound. I don't even remember what our attackers looked like or sounded like. I know that Meredeth was screaming and so was Ardinn, but the only thing that I remember beyond this was that I was so afraid that I thought I was going to faint, but that I was going to fight, and that to prove that I was worthy of being their friend, I was going to win.

I was the stupidest fucking child ever, and this whole memory is a source of tremendous shame and guilt for me. It always will be a horrific scar on my life.

I remember that Meredeth was the finest fighter I had ever seen, having placed third in the world in tournaments, and having been an athlete of amazing talents in high school. In fact, she had graduated this year, and was about to head to the mainland, a full scholarship in her pocket. She was my idol. She still is.

She hit so hard and fast, punches, kicks, knees, and elbows landing with such speed and precision that I couldn't follow them. I saw her eyes twice during this, and they were narrowed with concentration, and I swear they were glowing. I have never seen such a killer instinct manifested in a human before.

I, in contrast, was frozen with fear and awe.

I heard Meredeth scream something to Ardinn as I saw her back flash before my eyes. She was standing tall in front of me, completely shielding me from harm, and when she glanced back at me, I knew that I had done something very very wrong and my heart was frozen by the look of sheer disappointment that I saw there.

I saw the knife before I felt her fall. I reached out my small arms to catch her and she fell in my arms. I saw Meredeth airborne now above us and the arc of the long knife flashed once in front of her before she landed like a specter. Why is my memory silent here??

Actually, everything is holey here. I can't remember anything solidly. I don't know why but it's all such a blur.

The next solid memory I have is of the rain and lightning, and the eerie yellow of the streetlights in every drop, and of Meredeth's left hand on Ardinn's eyes. I was crying, I know, and I was hysterical. Meredeth's collarbone was laid open almost to the bone and there was blood running everywhere. Not like a skinned knee. It was as if someone had poured a bucket of blood on her. It was everywhere.

There was blood all over Ardinn too and I didn't know what to do at all. Back then I didn't even know to put pressure on wounds so I just cupped my hands to contain the blood... thinking, wondering if I could possibly pour it back into her or something. I didn't count the wounds. I hear there were seven.

Meredeth! Ardinn! You're hurt. You're hurt we need to go to the hospital. We have to go. She's hurt Meredeth! Meredeth we gotta find a phone. We gotta call 911. Meredeth! MEREDETH!!!! Did you kill those guys Meredeth? Meredeth you're bleeding we need to get help!

I started screaming uncontrollably after this, I've been told, and only stopped when her right hand clamped over my mouth.

In this moment, she looked up at me with an expression I have only seen this one time and never before or after. Her eyes caught mine and they were like metal. I felt myself actually gagging for air because suddenly my chest and throat closed like a trap. Every piece of me went so cold that I couldn't feel anything except for her stare. She was like a wild animal, and I have never been so afraid of her in my life. She was covered in blood still, despite the rain, and she twisted her lips into a snarl, baring her teeth like fangs. She said in a voice that was more like a snarl of a beast, "What do YOU know? You STUPID child... Ardinn...is DEAD...because of YOU."

My heart was cut out of my body then. Slice slice slice slice. All of my joints were popped and every tendon and ligament severed. I was suddenly a broken doll, alive but dead and motionless.

Meredeth has since apologized and does so even to this day...but sometimes it is true that sugar coating is also a lie... and the fact that this lie is meant to protect me and heal a wound doesn't change that. I know now what I wish I had understood then-- that I was powerless then, and that to protect the ones I love, I would need something more than what I had then... and that for vanity and pride, I killed a friend.

I have blood on my hands and I can't wash it off. I can never wash it off. I can never forget her. I can never be rid of this horrible sin. This horrible selfishness that killed someone I loved.

So I will fight for the rest of my life to protect the people I love, so they won't have to cry needlessly, so that when they despair, I can offer them solace and peace. So that when they are hurt, I can pick them up and cradle them, and knit them back together and hopefully make them stronger so they can do the same for others.

Forging

I feel as if I'm being bathed in fire right now. In the same way that I close my eyes and hold my breath in the shower while I tip my face up to the spray, fire is raining down upon me and filling every fiber of my soul with torchlight that spreads like a wildfire disease, attaching to each morsel of me, and consuming it in light and heat. A flood. A torrent of fire. I have no choice but to drink it.

I've started at least six entries since Sunday morning, and most are still drafts because I can't get them out. I can't finish them. I get halfway done only be interrupted by something or before I lose inspiration. Lately, unfortunately, the feelings have been somewhat negative, and they seem to be getting worse.

There's someone I love... and I am consumed by such frustration and sadness whenever I think of her. I want her to be happy. I want her to stop having to go through all this bull shit. Yet, I can only do what she will accept. A person cannot help another person who is unwilling. And so, here I am...utterly powerless, having listened to her cry, and every tear cutting my heart to ribbons,knowing that she wishes for someone else, though I am here, and willing to sit with her every night, and hold her through every storm, and stand up in front of her when others are mean to her, and pray to Heaven when darkness is pulling her.

I am so selfish. I'm so "half" that it kills me because despite being so much "more"... I am less.

But what is the point then, I beg of Heaven, What is the point of being what I am when I'm stopped from protecting the ones I care about most?

I'm on fire, I'm on fire... I have that dream almost every time I close my eyes. I'm on fire! That instant of agony that seems to last forever. I burn every time I sleep, and I burn every time I wake. I burn for this person, my friend, whom I love. I pray for that moment, that perfect moment, when I will stop burning and come out of the water perfect, shiny, and new. I am begging for that moment to come soon... When will I be done with this? When will I learn what I need to learn? When will I have what I need? When will I be where I need to be?

When will I be complete? God I'm crying out for you to show me the way... and to deliver all the people I love from despair. The hour draws close and dark, and I don't have that much time. Will I die a meaningless death alone in the void? It can't end that way-- you can't be serious!

You didn't allow me to save the others. Why? Why can't I just hold ONE in my hands and keep her from harm? Why can it not be? Why? WHY?

A Morning After a Night of Tears

I'm sitting here, and it's almost time to wake up Hiro. I'm typing, and I feel that writers block start to creep in. I have so much to do today, but I know that I won't be able to shove it all into the back of my mind-- the stuff I cried about last night.

Yoruichi is sitting at my side, looking out the window with mild interest, and she licks her lips ever so often and glances at me as if to wonder when I'll stroke her glossy black fur. Her haunches are up against my hip, and she's absolutely still right now, not bothering me, not demanding things. She's just sitting at my side, waiting for me to make some choices, knowing somewhere inside that she will have to assist me.

My thoughts... it seems that nothing I have is permanent. Truly I have said that Love is the only thing we are born with, the only thing that is free in this world, and the only thing we take with us when we die... and that it is the only all forgiving, immortal thing that we as humans will ever truly possess enough of to give to everyone else. However, by saying this, and knowing this, I didn't mean that I'm okay with everything else melting like sandcastles with every wave.

Love alone does not solve everything, and so I've been praying and praying. I can't be defeated here right now. In moments of despair, I can't give up, because other people are thinking about giving up right now. People I love are fading, dying, agonizing, fearing, worrying, and falling... I'm praying for a miracle.

I feel like I'm jumping into a pool, but instead of water, filled with darkness and silence. I need a lifeline, because I always jump in headfirst when people I love are drowning.

Second Best

I can't deny these feelings of being second best,
that in this world, I stand beside people who are wishing for another.
Sometimes I feel that if I were the oldest, or the strongest, or the wisest things would change.
And I wouldn't have to wonder
"am I good enough".
I feel sorry for even things that are beyond my control.
And I fret about people I hate.
Because I love so deeply, all of the blessings
That Heaven has bestowed upon me
That I would even love and cherish an enemy
if only to preserve a friend.
I get down
and I get jealous
and I get angry
for things I cannot change.
But I hope that I will come to understand
What God has asked me to learn;
That if I am here, with first place absent,
Then I have a job to do.
And to shirk that job
because of titles
because of status
because of vanity
truly makes me second rate.
So maybe I'm not their first pick,
But Heaven knows best,
and I am here.

Kami no Kiseki

You are God's Miracle.

I was led to you blindly.

When in despair I heard your voice.

The Servant's Prayer

I once was and still am woefully incomplete. Every time I complete one thing, I find that I am lacking in another. Such is life, so I hear.

The Buddha says that to live is to desire and to desire is to suffer and therefore to live is to suffer. I cannot argue with this, but there must be more purpose in life than to drive to be "extinguished" like a candle. I cannot live, I think, striving for an enlightenment that will only annihilate me.

Master, I have but this one life here in my hands and I cannot let it end the way I have been shown. I am dissatisfied with this destiny! I wish to pour my living mortal self into another, and use it to save or uplift the people I love. I wish to use the power of this one single mortal spirit that rests within me to tear the world and turn it inside out and upside down, if only to prove to one person that your love for us, and therefore the love that is born in our hearts is endless and immortal, all-forgiving, and without limitations.

For the person I love who is in my thoughts, let me split the heavens so she'll believe that a miracle can truly happen as a special order for a single, precious individual. Let it heal her broken heart and deliver her from uncertainty, darkness, chaos, and fear. I wish she would know what I am learning now-- that we are delivered from moments of despair when our faith in true love is strong enough. When the people I love feel that they are not strong enough, I beg that you will let me pull some of their weight. Humans, after all, are not made to carry all of the burden themselves.

My most adored creator... you must have had a reason and a plan for me, much of which is still hidden from my eyes. I pray that you will make me complete. Let it be that I will no longer buckle under pressure, or become stricken with fear in a crisis. Let it be that I can act with precision and ruthlessness in battle. Let it be that I will be calm and wise when advising others, and honest to everyone, especially myself.

I am a small angel... but I have the greatest love in my heart. Please let me share it without reservations.

Cressida's Dare

The swimming pool was closed and the security guard's footsteps had barely faded. I walked along its side with Cressida, admiring the tile mosaic at the bottom, turtles, if I recall, reflected in the soft underwater lights.

We were fully clothed and on a mission, though I imagine the temptation to innocent break rules is irresistable to those who enjoy sampling trouble. True as it is about me, I was taken aback when she pulled off her hat and tucked back all the spun gold of her hair into a band.

"I want to jump in," she whispered to me, a mischievous look in her dark green eyes. I didn't think she was truly serious even for a moment. Holding my purse and her hat and shoes in my hands, I watched her slip along the concrete lip and skim the barest bit of toe against the water. Before I could think, she was suddenly in a seated position and sliding in, fully clothed.

It was cold and I'm not going to lie about being a baby. I bluff often and usually feel that in order to maintain the veneer of hardness, that I must make good on my boasts whenever called upon. I was not to be undone or outdone now, not by this one.

I ran back and tucked all of our things under a chair for safety, and pulled off my clothes quickly, revealing my swimsuit from earlier that I hadn't fully intended to use. Certainly, I had not anticipated using it at a prohibited time and place in such weather. However, I set my tongue against the backs of my teeth as I slid in, unflinching. The cold seeped into my bones and I felt it seize all of my organs... my heart, my skin, my damaged lung... almost to the point of pain just before she took hold of me.

Her clothes were clammy and wet, swept by the wind and night air, and soaked from the water. It was somewhat unpleasant, but we sank lower, adjusting to the water, as her arms came around me. Her lips fell hard against mine and I held onto her, treading water at the same time, eager for more kisses. Her hands traveled over every bit of exposed skin and skimmed along my little swimsuit. I was in heaven.

"I'm scared. I'm scared!" I exclaimed under my breath to her. She laughed and laughed. It was cold, and I know she was too, especially with my constant thievery of her body warmth. After less than ten minutes, we got out.

Ever the ninja, I gathered my things and bolted, forgetting that she wouldn't keep up, hindered by layers of wet clothing. I was freezing myself, eager to get up to the hotel room.

A trail of water followed my footfalls. How un-ninja-like.

I slowed to let Cressida catch up and point this out. Ahh, it was true of course... and I let her remind me with a slap on my rear and a kiss on the mouth before she led me into a hot shower.

The Finest Inspiration

My heart occasionally still feels like it's in knots. I feel as if I'm suddenly walking blind everywhere now. Such is faith. The vision I once had of my life mapped out so perfectly and precisely was a ludicrous illusion. Blindness is preferable when compared to a lie. Heaven guides my steps through narrow passages that seem to close around me, squeezing the life out with hardness and coldness. It drops me through voids where I feel nothing but the falling, where I fear that I will surely splatter on some unyielding ground. Yet I find myself gently caught in warm hands and set back on paths unknown to my mortal self.

My mind abruptly writhes with thoughts and is just as quickly silenced. Heaven and training has made me into steel. I no longer waver when I debate things in my mind, and the agony of the past is gone.

"Less thinking, more action" she said to me. It's true, and finally I'm able to do it.

Action is needed from me right now. I'm stuck here in this office, and the people I need to reach out to are ostensibly stuck in theirs. Where once I might have crawled the walls, unable to calm myself, a maelstrom of panic in my heart, Heaven lays her hands upon me and where there was discord now is Focus. Resolution comes later, I know, but I am assured of victory when I have faith in my creator.

Οὐρανός κλέος Καὶ ἐλεήμων...

Poems from Sarah's Class!!!!

Some of what I consider to be my best and most heartfelt work actually came from a class I once took at UH with the lovely and wonderful Sarah-the-monkey-of-awesomeness- Hadmack.


Love (working title):

The pain I have endured
For the chance to embrace a dream
Is a scar which shall be burned upon my soul.

When her heart is worlds away (from mine)
Night is everlasting.

Water carries away mountains;
With every tear
In every tiny recess
My heart gives way,
And thus I shall break.


Purpose:

Unfailingly, along the razor's edge
The point surging home
Not a single stroke wasted or sloppy.
This is the way.

Child:

A Fight.
A Dance.
A ride on a carousel.
She never lets me go,
and though she is not mine,
I am hers.
Her dreams are my reality
and my reality guides her dreams.
When she hates me,
I can only love her
and dream of her.
Such is parenthood.

Let You Go

"stop saying u love meto me love is for the person i am with
i am DIFFERENT than u are and u will never understand that
love to me is the same thingas 'huggging' or even 'touching' in general i told u that a long time ago"

If this is all that love is to you, then I feel no anger towards you, no bitterness, and no regrets. I pity you, for not being able to see the absolute beauty that has been set before you, free to take, if only you'd open your heart.

I truly love you, my friend, even if I never see you, speak to you, touch you, or deal with you ever again. My heart will always be stronger because you were in it, and my love for others, even deeper because for a few glorious moments here and there, you accepted some.

To only be able to feel love for the one you're "with"... you have so many more people to love, who love you, and you're doing them such a great injustice by denying them. However, I know shades of your past, and so I understand, and I will step away from you now because of it. If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't say it to you, but know that I will pray for you every day, and I hope that you will one day see the truth that I am learning, and the truth that we are meant to see.

To have been intimate with you... I accept it and I regret nothing. I was happy to be near you, glad to share something that I value as special, and to express the affection and trust that was in my heart.

Your heart, Akachan, is twisted inside. I see it and I feel it. You're full of dishonesty and illusion, scarred by pain, and bound up by bitterness. You haven't turned your life around--not yet. You're not done yet! There's so much more that you were meant to do, meant to accomplish, and meant to feel. Let go of the things that hurt you and make you sad or angry. Forgive the ones who bring these things to you. I also have a lot of this to do... so I know that it's hard, but it will be done if you truly want it.

One morning, early, you told me that you loved me, in barely a whisper, and then you told me again, and again, while you held me in your arms. For all the times that I had told you, did you find it odd that I didn't respond these three times? I held you in my arms at that moment and stilled your hands and lips so that, hopefully, you would feel, in your heart, that my love for you is more that erotic, physical, or passion-based. I have never told you I loved you while sharing your bed. Before, yes, and after, yes. In actions, yes, but I never used my voice to tell you "during". Why? Because although I could tell you with all my heart ALWAYS... I didn't want that to be the defining factor of our relationship. I wanted you to know that I love you even when we're apart, and I prayed to Heaven as I pray now that one day you will understand that even if I take a different form, and even if we never meet again, my caring for you will never die, and if you're in trouble, I will attend to you with the all the softness and fierceness of my soul.

Making Me Walk Away

I'm sorry that you feel that you can't walk away from me. You push me, but never sever me, and block me but never bury me. You bring up every little thing to nick and scratch me so I'll hate you and walk away first.

You want to feel so superior don't you? To believe that you are right and I was wrong, and that you are hurt and I abused you when you were using me this whole time... But the kicker is that you never could truly use me because you care about me even now and you hide it and hate it but it hurts you... So you tried to be a ninja and close your heart while you made a cut deep enough to make me lose my will...

But you're wrong and you've failed because you missed what I was taught as a child-- You couldn't look into my eyes and make this cut clean and sharp, devastating and irrevocable. You hid in your texts and over the phone, and in person you wavered because your killer instincts are not like mine.

Not like mine? Surely you're laughing, thinking that you have seen me as I truly am-- so soft-hearted and merciful, kind and loving, and too gentle to kill... but as a loving mother lion, I am deadly in battle, and I don't think twice when action is needed.

Maybe you banked on this, hoping to antagonize the beast into a strike... but again you fail. Lionesses are not bothered by lone hyenas.

I'm not walking away. I'm standing my ground, not willing to advance towards you where you'll invariably ambush me, but not abandoning that upon which I stand. I love you, so fuck you. You can't make me say I hate you. You tried so hard to make me blame you, but I don't. My feelings are my own. I don't blame you for anything. I am who and what I am because I chose to follow what Heaven has lain before me, and I'm proud of it.

I am truly, a person that I can love and respect. I am a person of conviction, determination, and honor. I am a person of love and forgiveness. I am also a person of ruthlessness and efficiency when I need to be. You taught me how to flip my switches. Never shall I cry for you...

So here I am. I'm not going anywhere. If you feel forsaken, I am not the reason.