Two Preview Cells

Unclosing Wounds

I don't "get over" things. I realize now that I don't. It's all deeply embedded shrapnel and I dig out everything that I can, and the rest I just deal with. If you want to pull an Iron Man reference, I use the thing in my chest to repel it from my heart...that's the best I can do.

When I fight with someone I care about, I need to get through it until we reach resolution. I CANNOT let it sit ever. I'm not a "come back to it later" person, nor am I a "get over it" person as I said. If I do something wrong, I want to apologize and acknowledge my error, be forgiven, and work to stop it from happening again.

I want the other person to vent his or her frustration. I want this person to hit me or scream at me, and lay out the issue step by step. I want to examine it with the person. I want to solve the problem then and there. I hate leaving things unfinished.

So while you are off "calming down" or whatever you need to do, understand that every second we wait, the wound is open and festering with me. You're getting better, but I'm getting worse and worse.

I am more upset right now than I was ten minutes ago, and exponentially worse than I was when we parted. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts... an unclosing wound that I can only pack with bandages and cover, and smile to pretend it's not there. It'll fester until we solve it.

Why? Because you matter to me. I love you with all my heart, and I want to fix things so badly that I can't bear to heal myself...because with the wound will go the issue, and my motivation to solve it.

I love you. Work things out with me. Have you had enough space yet? I've had so much I'm crying, not sleeping, and not eating. When will you have had enough? When I fade?

As Many Faces as the Moon

I wish I could just be myself and not have to find approval. There is only one person who ever saw every face I have ever worn and loved me completely, and he has been stolen from me.

One other person has seen every face... and he has accepted me, but is horrified, driven to the brink of insanity by my darkness, and unable to believe the authenticity of the light.

And the others, those to whom I have shown my most precious faces, my most fragile masks, and my most intimate selves, often forget that there are many more. In doing so, they forget that I am both serious and responsible, or that I am also cold and demanding. Without meaning to, I hide things from them that should be obvious, and could be changed so easily to their liking... but it's always misinterpreted. For them, I think their faces are not so easily changed or discarded, and so they think that there's nothing more to me than this mask I'm wearing.


I don't mean to hurt or confuse any of them, but they don't understand why it has to be this way... or the fact that if they were to let me show them everything and open my heart fully to them, and theirs to me, that all would be stripped away and they would know the real me without disguise or insecurity.

Exclusive

The foreshadowing of my very very VERY special project.

Missing Her.

I laid awake beside the Lord of Hugs, Ichigo. He cuddled with me, purring and occasionally licking my hands and face with his scratchy tongue, and bumping and rubbing me with his head. I looked down as a bit of light caught his shiny red tabby hair, and as I was forming a thought about this, he looked up at me with his bright green eyes. Green, color-shifting, stormy, intense eyes.

I miss you. Now, more than ever, and I'll miss you more tomorrow. I held Ichigo in my arms and cried because I wish that it could be you in my arms, you reaching for me to hold, and your soft kisses on my face and arms. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. Whenever you are gone, there is something missing, and I always want it back. I am never too busy for you or to angry, or too tired... I'm never too ANYTHING to be with you.

To imagine you ever being with anyone but me kills me inside and I pretend that it doesn't; that you're free to do as you please, and that I won't judge you for even a moment of your life, before, during, or after our time together... but the truth is, though I'm not lying, it doesn't mean that it won't drive me insane some days. That some days all I can do is cry into Yoruichi's fur or Ichigo's warm paws and hold them so that I won't miss you, so that I won't lose all pretense of control and composure and run to you and cry to you compulsively; uncontrollably.


My heart may have been damaged in your presence, but it is shattered in your absence.

Heartbeats

It would seem that I am destined to let you down when you want or need me most. When you need me to speak up, I am mute. When you need me to run to you, I am lame. When you need me to understand, I am stupid. When you need me to attend to you, I am occupied.

But that's why despite anything you might do to hurt me or push me away, I will struggle with all of the love in my heart to stay with you-- to stay at your side just ONE more day, one more hour, one more minute, one more measly mortal heartbeat... so that it's one more chance I'll get to struggle with my frailties and weaknesses and hopefully succeed that one time when it will count and make everything right.

My heart beats to accomplish this.

One day I want to find someone who will love every face that I have, and allow me to love as purely and completely as I can... a love that is freely given and freely received, unfettered by greed or jealousy, and without constraints or conditions. I want someone who deserves all the loyalty and bravery in my callow little heart. Someone who can bring the angel out of the urchin and keep her out, and never falter in the sight of trouble, and never lose sight of the eternal and all-forgiving, all-healing love that promises to redeem us in our hour of misery.

My heart cannot stop beating until I finish this, which I was told to accomplish. I cannot deny Mother and Father. I cannot. The more I do, the more heavily I am reminded that my life is not mine, many times over. The more I rebel, and try to turn away, the more painful my life becomes.

Breathing hurts right now. So much. I don't have many tomorrows left. I'm running out of time. I'm desperate. Where are you? Why won't you let me see you? Why won't you let me hold you? Who are you, and when will you make yourself known to me directly? I've been searching for you all my life.

If you're Leo, why are you beyond my touch now? What capricious god would allow this?
I'm in anguish and I'll wait with bated breath until I can be with you in Heaven.

Yet I cannot believe that it is so easy...

My heart will not beat forever.

Give me one last chance, my Love, whoever you may be, where ever, and whenever. Let me reach out for my Focus.

If you're reading this, if you are the one, or if you want to be the one... or if you think I think that you're the one... know that it may not really be one, and that God is apparently toying with me, challenging me to decipher what it is that I am to accomplish. Don't be so quick to count yourself out. You may be.

But in any case...

You know who you are, if you are reading this, and so I'll tell you here what I know I've told you in words, in some form or another, and what I feel in my heart for you every moment of every single excruciatingly long mortal day...

I miss you, in every heartbeat I take outside of your presence, and every time I dream and you aren't there with me, and in every moment when I am alone or afraid, and in every joy that I experience without you at my side.

I love you. I love you more every day, every hour, minute, and in every tiny moment... and I may not even know you yet. You may still be in shadows... but when you make the choice to come to me, I'll accept you without questions or judgments, and despite my shortcomings, I will devote myself to you in every heartbeat.

I love you, always.

Selections from the Ninja Assassin's playlist.

"...If I could be a Shooting Star... If I only lived for an instant, would our love last forever? If you blinked and I was gone, would you long to hold me and never let go?"
-- "Shooting Star" as performed by Infinite Saturn, 2002
Lyrics by Leo Beckam

"anata ni deai STAR kagayaite atashi ga umarete
aisureba koso i areba koso
kibou no nai kiseki wo matte dou naru no?
namida ni nijimu hoshi no matataki wa gone..."

Translation:

"I met you, the stars sparkled, and I was born.
I love you, therefore I am.
What good is waiting for a hopeless miracle?
Through my tear-filled vision, the planet's twinkle is gone..."

--"Diamond Crevasse" Macross Frontier (Sheryl Nome)
- May'n


"I give you my heart
Hold on, let me sign it
Your senorita, aka your best friend
Hereby, let it be known
Love like, never before
I'm always at your service
You just have to holler at me"
-- "FYI" Utada


"No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark"

-- "Whispers in the Dark" Skillet

"I hate feeling like this, so tired of trying to fight this.
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to you."
-- "Comatose" Skillet

Death-Dealing

My father taught me to value human life, but he also once told me that there might be instances in which I might have to take it. In those rare cases, he told me that I would have to do it judiciously, efficiently, and ruthlessly. I would have to kill perfectly, and if it wasn't perfect, I would fail.

My father said that almost nothing justifies the taking of a human life, but in those rare cases when the ends will justify the means, that I should be able to look into my victim's eyes. Anyone can kill from a distance or from behind. Anyone can let poison do its work or hire a hit... and as a gun collector, it's not like he's against any of these methods particularly. However, he said that this would be only for defense or for an experienced, proven killer.

As a knife enthusiast and a hunter, I understand now the feeling of taking life and seeing the light fade from a creature's eyes, and I can't imagine what it would be like to kill a human. However, in the rare occasions when I've chosen to fight for my life, or to protect another, I have always looked into the eyes of my attacker. Even when I choose not to fight, actually, I have always looked into my attacker's eyes, daring them to take me, challenging their resolve.

Where am I going with this?

I'm saying that there's more than one way to kill a human being, and violence is not necessary. I'm saying that I'm not planning on anything, but wanted to still point out that my father's lesson, as it was intended, has practical application in every day life.

If you need to hurt someone, even if you know it's going to break them utterly and kill them, you should be able to look your victim in the eyes. You should be able to hold your resolve and your bearing even when she's crying. Even when the crystalline ring of blue appears in her normally dark eyes, and her lids are ringed with red and tears are spilling like blood. Even when it looks like she's going to strike you or kill herself in this moment... if you truly are doing what you must, then look at her eyes. If you cannot, then it shows that you are not truly devoted to your focus.

If you are going to deal pain, or death, you must do so judiciously, efficiently, and ruthlessly-- perfectly, and only for the most dire, most important reasons. To be careless with such a power is an insult to God and to all living creatures, particularly yourself. It isn't wrong to step over the fallen in order to survive. It isn't wrong to dig out one's own existence with bloody fingernails... but first make sure you can own up to it, and make damn certain that it's truly worth it.

My Hero

I once was sitting with my hero at breakfast with my head in my hands. She asked what was wrong and I said, "There are so many feelings in my head...and I'm torn apart. It hurts so much. I don't know what to do."

And my hero said to me, "Don't be so silly. How can you feel with your head? That would mean you need to think with your heart. That doesn't make sense. When you decide to make sense, then things won't hurt so much."

I once woke up my hero in bed one morning, and I was crying. I said to her, "I'm doing something that I know is wrong, but I don't want to stop." She asked me why I was doing this. I said, "Because a friend is in trouble and I'd rather be in trouble with her, at her side. don't just want to wait for her to come out. I want to deliver her from misery with my own hands."

My hero asked me what I intended to do about the punishment that would inevitably follow. I told her that I intended to face it, unafraid. My hero looked at me sharply and gave me a hard pat on the shoulder. She said, "Well then, if you can deal with it, then you will not fail. If it's really worth being so upset, then you will have what you love."

I have let my hero down many times, I fear, and for all her perfection, she is not without weakness. I have cried at her bedside, and fought for her life...

But the difference is that she has saved mine.

Today I told my hero that as long as I cling to her, I will never find my own happiness. I will forever live a half-life, where I am not quite free and yet unclaimed. I asked her if I have to choose between her, and my freedom. I asked her if I would either have to learn to be happy in chains that don't quite fit all the way around my neck, or in an empty, dark-starred sky.

My hero looked a little confused, but she asked me some questions.

I clarified by saying that being with her, I'm not allowed to commit my entire life to her, but I'm not free to give everything to anyone else. So in the end, I feel like I have to cheat someone.

My hero shrugged and said, "No one else can make you happy. Only you can bring yourself happiness... and you can't do it an easy way. You can only do it by bleeding for it. If you're not willing to give everything to yourself, then you will never have everything to give to anybody else. Nothing worth having is always easy. You should know that. Why are you confused? Loving someone else doesn't mean you need to love me less."

I told her that's true, of course, but it might mean that I won't be around as much, or that I would be weakened and stumble more often, and I might slip up and fail her. This is my greatest fear. To fail her while pursuing something selfish.

My hero said to me, "Stay with me until you finish with me. Then I will be able to take care of myself, and I will be able to follow you instead of you always coming back to get me. You won't fail me. I have faith in God... and I have faith in you... Mommy."

Pain Like Crawling Cancer.

Every time I love someone, I do so with all my heart, and they have always hurt me more than the previous one. Yet, I feel that every time I do love someone, I should never be willing to give less than my whole heart. Every time I love someone, I gain more, and love is never lost, therefore I always give the next person more and more and more than the previous, which I guess accounts for the proportional increase in pain whenever things aren't going so well.


I'm a hedgehog I think, and so I don't usually love birds or frogs...or Kryptonians or Iron Men. I love other hedgehogs...and so I've never been in love with someone who didn't love me back in some form or another... yet, the more we love each other, and the more we hold onto each other, the more we hurt each other. Isn't that tragic? Yet, for me, it isn't so much... because I don't care about pain. I will cry a million more tears before I'm done-- God has promised me this-- but in the end, I will be stronger.

I'm burning, burning, burning, a chunk of mithril in a fire... I am worthless in my current form, despite beauty, despite potential, despite desire... so I must endure this fire, and the hammering that will come from my maker... and wait for the cool release of the water that will be my respite in this tortured existence... but in the end, will I still be scrap metal? That's what I fear most. I think that's up to my maker and up to me.

I am coming apart right now. Pursuing what I want, attending to what I need. I'm being shredded. Yet, I am not dead, and therefore I haven't either failed or succeeded. I will move forward until I do one or the other. I'm not strong or anything-- I just don't have a choice.

This pain is like crawling cancer, a poison in every cell, deceiving every piece of me, and causing me to fight myself, friends killing friends, sickness in my bones.
But I will drink it down a thousand more times before I'm done. When someone at last stops pushing me away, when someone at last will want me to love them freely, and return that love purely for their own reasons, and when that person decides along with me to stop cheating ourselves out of what is rightfully ours by the grace of God, then this pain will evaporate as if it never was.

Jane, let me make the sacrifices that I am willing to make. Please accept my heart, even for only half a year. Let me be the axis around which your world turns for one day, and let me show you all the things you make me feel, and all the things I know you deserve. I truly love you, and though we can't be together, learn to trust me and know that when you leave someone will miss you and worry not just about your body, but your heart and mind, and that someone will be here if and when you return. Someone will give you a safe place to lay your head, or for and with whom to be a rockstar. Someone will love on you when you're frustrated or angry, and while this someone is waiting for you, she will be unraveling the world, dismantling it brick by brick, to create it in an image of perfection... and that she will take pleasure in every scrape and nick, every broken bone, and every landslide, because even if it takes ten thousand lifetimes, in the end, when the vision is complete, it will be worth it.

A Great Memory with Jeanne

Jeanne is one of the best friends a girl could ever have. I came up with an awesome idea, and she took it and made it better, and then I added to it, ran it by her, and she finished it. If we worked together, I think we could accomplish some amazing things.

I needed an airplane. I've flown RC and line-guided model airplanes before, with my father, but as an adult, I wasn't sure if I still remembered how. I really want to take my Akachan flying, though, and didn't want to look stupid in front of her.

Wanting to learn, Jeanne came with me, with some simple model planes in our hands. We found a park that was perfect. Dry ground, sunny, and wide open spaces. We sat in the car trying to load the batteries in the remotes before we realized that my knife would not cut it as a screwdriver this time. "Epic Fail!" She cried at me as I wailed in defeat.

We drove to the nearest store with a plan. Remotes in one hand, batteries in our pockets, we found a screwdriver and used it quickly, stealthy as a pair of ninjas, without even opening the package it hung from, opening the backs of both casings, loading the batteries, and replacing the backings again. Success! We hung the screwdriver back on the shelf, and left. We charged the planes on our ride back to the field.

Ready now, with our flying machines in hands, we nervously looked to each other, she for my lead and probably guidance, as I was more experienced. I looked to her for assurance that she wouldn't laugh too hard if my skills had vanished with the years.

There was more cloud cover than before and the wind was picking up, but we weren't about to be defeated now. I turned on the plane, and let the propellers pick up speed before using an overhanded launch as if to pitch a javelin. With a whoosh, the plane was in the air, and Jeanne's right behind me. They careened around without much control, despite the pressure of my thumb on the right stick. Yet, both flew truly, high and fast.

They cartwheeled sharply as our novice piloting skills became apparent, and crashed hard, but didn't break. We thanked the makers for crash resistant model fusilages, and retrieved the crafts for a second launch. We began to launch one after the other instead of together, so that we could watch each other.

My first major failure came as I tried to recover the plane as it began to fly out of range, thrown off by the increasing wind. I dropped the speed and turned it, causing an awkward angle of decent. It fell hard onto the parking lot asphalt, cracking the nose. Yet, it only detached after several more crashes, and even then, flew well when we pitched it into the air.

Jeanne's flights were beautiful and long. I loved watching her natural talent begin to shape her execution. She was consistent with her launches and controlled with her landings, for the most part.

Her first problem came when the wind ripped the little plane out of her range from behind, fueling the propellers and driving it forward and upward, instead of pushing it down into the grass. We raced after it, both of us trying to catch up and get in range to bring it down. It glided over the road, and I yelled for Jeanne not to chase it too fast. I thought it would cause an accident for sure as it passed in front of a car, and I didn't want her mixed up in all of that.

In a second's attention lapse, I lost sight of the plane and worried that it had been lost, but Jeanne found it quickly, safe on the other side of the road.


We continued to fly. I had a close call as Jeanne was retrieving her plane. Mine was snatched from my control by the wind again, sending at a sharp angle right over her head. I barely had time to yell for her to duck, and I believe a few of her hairs got a close shave from the tail section.

Laughing, we kept flying, experimenting, flying with and against the wind, each trying to get longer and more controlled flights. Once again, I felt slightly dismayed that my experience seemed for naught, as Jeanne was so good, but at the same time, my heart was jumping with delight to be here with her, just having fun, and enjoying something that my father and I had always loved.

Just then, as I was thinking this, Jeanne's plane was stolen by the wind again. "No!" We cried, both chasing it. The wind was too fast now though. We watched in horror as it kept rising. It would never return down at this rate, and it was far out of range of our controllers. It flew across a street and I caught sight of it in the sunlight as it soared high over the roof of a nearby library. Jeanne chased it with a touch of recklessness that reminded me of myself. I hesitated, and ran back for the car.

We brought the car around and searched the surrounding field, desperately hoping that the plane was not stuck somewhere where we would never recover it, or taken by an excited child passerby.

Ten minutes passed and we feared that perhaps it had even been struck by a car, or flown beyond our search radius. I'm sure Jeanne felt even more of the worry that was knotting in my stomach. To break a plane in flight? It was possibly fixed. Yet to lose it was to be left with nothing.

Then I saw something sticking out of the grass. Could it be? It was! I raced over to it and grabbed the tail of the little orange jet as it waved faintly with the wind, as if pulling a precious artifact from centuries of sleep, and whooped with excitement as I rushed back to Jeanne. I was a child again in that moment, proud of myself, and this was rewarded when she shared my excitement and happiness.

Agreeing that this was a sign to call it a day, we loaded the car again, and decided to practice again later. I was in a brilliant mood the rest of the day, having had a great adventure with a friend.

My Morning and Evening Star

I don't remember a time in my life when I was happier than when I was with you.

But as always, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow. The higher the peak, the steeper the fall.

You were the final push I needed to get rid of that girl who had poisoned me for eight years... but you were also the catalyst that tore me from the only living man who I've ever loved, or will ever be open to loving. He changed when I fell for you... and though you have nothing to do with it, it remains true that my eyes were on you while he destroyed us.

And now I feel like you are gone. I miss you and yet I'm afraid to call you. I'm afraid that you'll be cold to me, and that when I want to be in your arms and shower you with the love that you deserve, you'll push me away.

You insinuated yourself unwittingly into my heart, and uprooted the two others while placing yourself on top, before vanishing like a mirage... leaving me with only myself and my angel.

And she is silent.

Silence Between Us

It's silent between us.

Why won't you speak to me?

Normally I wouldn't be offended. I know you have obligations and I hope you're out having fun with your family and friends. I want you to be happy, and so I've been hanging back. I don't want to burden you with things that I'm going through. Yet you seem to think that it means something's changed between us.

It isn't true. I always want to hear your voice. I would hear it every night before I sleep, and I would text you endlessly like in the early days. I'm never too busy.

I want you to turn to me. I want you to choose me. I miss you so much my heart hurts every day. I don't want to lose you, but I don't know how to keep you... I don't know how to read you if I don't spend the time with you, looking at you, learning more and more, listening to you on the phone, and testing myself.

You play everything so close to the chest. It's okay, but stop keeping me out of your heart.

Names

Your name, which means "She Who Entangles Men" in a shortened form, clearly suits you... but it should be the the "men" as in "humans" rather than males, for you have clearly entangled more than what your name might hint.

And I, "the Most Beautiful One" am simultaneously moving towards and away from my name. My body and mind are changing. Which is going where? I'm not sure.

I feel as if my whole self has been wrapped up in the tendrils of your flames and you make me so angry sometimes, that I just want to shake you. I experience the anger that only people I hate and people I love can every elicit. I don't hate you, and I know that I never could...which is a painful facet of love, because as much as I want to cut you out of my heart-- for the pain that some experiences with you have given me-- I can't because I know that you belong in my heart. You have not abused me and you have never tried to hurt me, and so I can be confident that you truly love me, as even in your coldness, and your distance, there is emotion towards me.

Are you reading this yet? Maybe you never will. Part of me doesn't want you to because I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed with you. Yet, so consuming is the pain of feeling like love is being stolen, how can you blame me?

Yet I want you to read this and know that my heart, despite my face's deception, feels every burning ember of emotion that you'd imagine I would; that I am being torn apart, despite my acting. I act to distract myself, to tunnel an escape, but also to protect you... but if protecting you that way hurts you, then you should know how I feel...and know that my thoughts are always with you.

Don't be lonely like you were on Saturday night. I would have rushed to your side and attended to you with all that I have. Why did you look elsewhere instead of calling out to me?

Stop thinking. You always twist yourself into something complicated and difficult. Stop talking and texting. I always misunderstand. Just show me your emotions, and open your heart. I'll understand if you do this, and I will return us to simpler times, like sitting at the beach under a gray sky with turtles... or eating ice cream and curly fries in the park as night falls...

Please.

Please.

Entangle me again, and don't let me go.

The Hard Side You Don't See

I put on a mask, and I think I expected you to see through it, though I said I didn't want you to. (Oh god, I usually hate it when people do that...How ironic)

I didn't want you to see me so unhappy; for you to see me so weakened. I still don't want you to see me this way, but you seem to think that I actually managed to truly avoid it. How heartless do you think I am?

You chose someone else over me! How am I supposed to feel? Every fiber in me shattered but I didn't want you to see this face of mine. If my heart is filled with love for you, shouldn't I protect you? Shouldn't I be happy for you and stand aside so you can grasp that which you truly want in your hands?

Oh god but it hurt so much, so much I wanted to die, don't you understand how much I loved you then and love you now? But you told me in the beginning that it was inevitable and you once told me that it brings you pain to see me unhappy like this. You told me that it has to be this way... So to show this to you would serve only to distance us further, I feared, and so I hid. I ran. I was so afraid and I thought that if I could pretend to be happy, and put on a mask and laugh, then you would feel that I wouldn't stand in your way; that I would let you be happy without me.

But inside I'm screaming and crying all the time.

Let me tell you that I love you because I feel it in every shard of my "self". Let these things matter to you. Stop saying "it's not worth it", because you push me away with those words, when I only want to be in your arms.

It's a LIE if you think that my love for you will ever fade or that I could ever teach myself to despise you enough, or cultivate enough apathy to make myself not love you. True love is immortal, and will forgive infinitely. I want to know you. I want to try to understand you. I want to see your face, hear your voice and whether you choose to embrace or strike me, I want to know your feelings with absolute clarity.

Even if you spat in my face this morning, tonight, call me if you need me and I'll be your Prince Charming...or whatever else you might need.

You think that I've exploited you...but all I desire is to make you immortal, so even though I might die, my art will live, and everyone will know in their gut that I loved you first in brilliance.

The traits you accuse me of stealing from you... I want to take thing that I love about you and everyone else, and take them all into me, and make myself better, and show them off to the world so that you will always live and strengthen others, and see the future.

I am yours. If I told you I love you... it may mean nothing else. It doesn't mean that I can make everything perfect. It doesn't mean that I will be able to make your broken dreams or your shattered heart whole again. It doesn't mean that you'll sleep soundly every night and rise refreshed every morning. In a way, it doesn't mean anything... but it at least means, that all of this and more will be within my sights to try... and as long as you need it, I will hold you and never stop giving you "one hundred."

Daisuke, Akachan. Itsumo kanojou.

How I Have to Deal With it.

Why won't you show me the emotion we both know is inside your heart?

*

I cried endlessly over you and you have no idea. Days in and days out, nights passing over my sleepless gaze, I cried until not a single thought of living remained in my head. To lose people close to my heart, oh God, it was torture. To feel like you were passing through my grasp, was so agonizing I thought I'd never make it out. I'm not being dramatic about this. My friends are precious to me. You are precious to me. I was desperate to please you, to support you, to love you.

Do you know what it's like to know that you're "the other" and know that you have no hopes of holding onto the thing which you most desire? I felt that as much as I would have stood and fought for you, I had no right to. My hands were tied, and I was bound and held down, unable to even look upon your face.

I miss you every day. I think about you every day... wondering where you are, imagining you in your favorite clothes, your uniforms, and occasionally in nothing at all.

There are a thousand things I love about you, and I wish I could scream them all out into the night, knowing that you would remember and reach out to me again.

So I tried to distract myself. Do you think it really worked? For moments it did, taking the horrific edge off of this terrifying pain, but it wasn't even ten percent. I tried to not think about you, tried to move away from you, and yet I knew that it would never heal unless I faced you... but unable to face you; unwilling to demand such a thing from you in your current state, I could only hide in order to survive.

My mind and heart are pulling apart in painful strips, every one going the wrong way.

I want to know you. Want to care. Want to trust. Want to love.

That I have been less than successful only makes me want it more.

I love you, Akachan, and that will never change.

The Fire Dream

I had a dream that I was walking towards you from behind, and that you were just out of reach.

You turned to me, and held out your arms. I eagerly stepped into them and reached out to either encircle your neck or touch your face when suddenly the wind blew and your hair brushed my fingers.

Instantly, I was set ablaze. The flames lanced up my fingers and into every pore, outlining every contour and fiber of every muscle and filling every cell with white hot liquid lightning. I felt it in every strand of my hair, and in the marrow of my bones. I was infused with this fire, totally.

And I screamed, because the pain was so excruciating that I couldn't contain myself. Yet, my lungs were filled with the fire and as I took in air, the blaze only intensified, blowing out through my scorched throat and further consuming my face, so that I felt it even in my teeth.

Suddenly, your face became concerned and you took another step closer. I tried to tell you no; tried to warn you; tried to stop you from being burned. Yet, when you touched me and then pulled me close and kissed my mouth, the fire subsided as if you had commanded it to do so, and it receded the way it came. I expected the worst... terrible burning, or perhaps that I would be reduced to ash upon the retreat of the blaze... but I wasn't either.

I was reborn. I was a perfect, complete angel. All of my smallness, my insecurity, and fear were stripped away along with jealousy and anger. It was gone, and I was absolutely calm and without even the tiniest weakness. I was scarless, and stronger than ever.

For a moment I worried that when I looked upon you I would see as an Angel must see... in all four dimensions, and therefore that I would see a dark-minded, troubled child, and a decaying corpse all at the same time as the present you... but when I did behold you, I was shocked. You were magnified. Every single piece of you was made 1000000 times more defined, and in these new eyes you were more in focus than ever, and more beautiful that I had ever thought possible. It almost brought me to my knees. I had never seen anything so wonderful before in my life. I looked deeper, into your soul, and was overtaken by your presence.

My Best Memory With Akachan

I remember that everything was going wrong that day, and though we hadn't intended to see each other, you wanted to find some serenity and I just wanted to escape everything.

I left my car parked and we took yours. It was the first time I'd ever seen you in the sunlight, and I remember a solid, sublime moment when you let me touch your hair, and let it spill through my fingers. It was then that I observed in vivid, perfect clarity, the intertwined strands of red, gold, and even silver as the shadows cooled the fire of the color. Every strand ignited in the light, each one clearly defined and iridescent. I'd never seen such a color before, so it was mysterious and absolutely valuable to me, like a treasure never seen by another human.

You turned to look at me, and though I had seen them in pictures, I'd never had a good chance to look into your eyes. I was instantly envious of that green, not like an emerald. Not like a serpent's. It wasn't like Leo's had been, though when I saw them, I thought of him just for a moment, and was filled with that pure memory of perfect love, and realized that I'd fallen for you.

Your eyes were so sad and filled with stress, and yet you managed to be genuinely happy to see me. They were dark green, a mix of different shades all blended together, and flecked with gold and silver, scintillating in the play of the sun and moving shadows as we drove. In a private moment, I had seen them once or twice turn steely gray in the half-darkness, and then stormy, piercing my heart and mind. To see the contrast was, to me, perfect.

You had cut your finger being clumsy while filling gas (another trait that worries me still, and yet makes you even more irresistible in my eyes). You went to put it in your mouth but I was incensed by the look of the ruby drop that gathered under your nail, and I took your hand and put the finger into my own mouth instead, greedy for the taste. I have memorized that sensation... I have to laugh because it wasn't altogether pleasant. To get to the sweet taste of your blood, I had to lick past the random grime and traces of gasoline on your fingers. Yet, I still value the experience and when I close my eyes, I can remember it explicitly.

We reached the beach, and I remember the excitement in your voice and on your face as you noticed that the tide was out and that there were large visible rocks. I had never been to this beach so I didn't know what to expect. When I saw my first turtle, I couldn't believe it. I had never seen one up close and it was so much more colorful than I had anticipated. It wasn't just brown and green, but rather shot through with reds and yellows. I wished so much that I could touch him, though I knew that it wasn't right to do so.

That day was an embarrassment of riches... so many turtles, so few people, no sun to burn me, silence to hear me... and you.

I remember I tried to impress you with my ninja prowess by jumping from one rock to another but I had forgotten I wasn't wearing shoes and the rock was so slippery I almost face planted.

The sea was turbulent but not violent by any means... and it again reminded me of a particular gaze with which you'd ensnared me late at night... green and stormy, shot through with lightning and metal.

We saw fish jumping high out of the water as we sat close together on a dryish rock.

We stole little moments, holding hands happily, embracing easily, and kissing freely. All was right in the world with the vision before me and you beside me.

Covered with sand, you had to wash me before I got back in your car, and we ate chips and watched children run around the beach parking lot with their pitbull pups.

We fumbled about with seat cleaners and I lamented about sitting in wetness.

We laughed at my Gaga-like tattoo that I had tried to do for you. You don't know exactly why I had done it... but I had been inspired not only by Gaga but your own pictures as well and your calling to follow your heart. Somehow I had known without much consciousness that I wanted you to follow your heart and yet even in not knowing, I desperately wanted you to find it bound inextricably to mine.

I didn't want to leave you that night. I wanted to stay with you and hold you in my arms, rub your back and shoulders, kiss your neck,and make all your worries go away-- if only you would have let me.

That night was the first time I'd told you that I loved you, and though you balked at the word, I couldn't stop from telling you the truth that was screaming from within me... this wonderful and terrible truth that might later have pained you and caused you to push me away... I couldn't help it simply for the vain hope that you would let me shoulder even a morsel of your mind's displeasure or your heart's discomfort, as I would do for you even now, without hesitation.

I was already yours. Maybe I didn't know that I was in love with you, but I definitely knew that I was destined to trust you, to befriend you, and to give you all that I had in order to bring you happiness... because this is how I was built. Also, that you had no need to do anything in order to deserve this, except to simply be alive. What more could I want than my destiny? Truly, I walked towards you blindly on a path that I couldn't see, knowing only that you were waiting at the end.

I'm still walking, and sometimes I stumble because you grow distant in the dark, and space and time is shifting... but I know that one day I will reach you.

You're my heart now, strange as it is, and I will not desert you.

Love in Chains

Why do we feel the need to be jealous? Can't people love each other without being possessive and insecure? Why can't we be happy, love whomever we want, and settle only as we find the person whose mere existence renders all others gray and indistinct?

My dream is for you to love me, not because you feel obligated to, bound by some sort of loyalty or sense of comfort, but rather because your heart simply cannot bear to be without mine, and that you experience no pain or feelings of regret.

I will love you forever, and I want you to be mine. I must pursue you today because my tomorrows are finite and so close to exhaustion. Yet, I cannot fear, as I will return in my next lifetime, and we will be together in this space in some form or another, and one day I won't have to worry that every time I touch you, kiss you, or look upon you that it is the last.
I do worry about that... that every time I show my heart to you in some way that it will be the last. It kills me to resist you, but I must because I don't want my actions to be a good bye, but rather a celebration, and a homecoming every time.

When I tell you I love you, it isn't so I can bind you or force you down and tear your from your other desires. I tell you so you'll know that I'm sorry for doing wrong, every time, and any time, and that I'll also forgive anything you may stumble upon in the future.
I tell you so you'll know today that I love you more than yesterday, and tomorrow, ten times more; so that you'll feel free to explore the things you love, and the things that bring you joy and peace, and that when you're tired, or when you feel your star has fallen, I'll hold you in my arms until you're ready to rise up again.
I tell you so that you know that you always have an option, a safe haven, where you will never be alone.
I tell you so that if you truly ever wanted to be mine alone, that I'd hold you and never let you go.

I feel you always because space is fluid like a giant tub of water... and as the pieces and fragments of the world, both human and animal, organic and artificial, move, the water ripples against my nerves and I sense it like a fish would, right along my spine... and weakness draws me like a shark is drawn to even the tiniest quantity of blood. If you drop a tear anywhere in the same reality, believe that I feel it somewhere, somehow, and even if I don't acknowledge it, I want to kiss it away.

There is no one alive who has been able to hold onto this love. Why? Because they refuse to, or are unable to accept this single, perfect miracle. They are too consumed with looking for a catch or a contingency plan. They all want to manipulate it for their personal gain, or they're afraid to just let it wash over them and heal them. They're afraid of how they'll be transformed when they're done. They're afraid that if they surrender, I'll ensnare and hurt them somehow.

And they're a little right...because of my frustration, I'm often not the best example. I admit that. Yet, that doesn't take away from the fact that if you surrender to me, and allow me to love you, it'll be beautiful and the bond that we can forge together will be immortal and all-forgiving.